I love sex and I want sex, but I don’t need sex anymore.
So, what do I mean by need verses want, especially when it comes to sex? I used to think that I didn’t need sex and that it was always on a want basis. It wasn’t until I was in my first serious relationship, after my divorce, that I realized how needy I was.
I found myself needing to have sex to feel better about myself and to feel loved. And when we didn’t have sex, I started thinking, "Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me? He clearly doesn’t love me. Why doesn’t he want me?" and so on. It wasn’t until I started doing some serious 'self' work, that I started to become aware of this needy attitude.
Every time I noticed myself being triggered, I looked at the situation as an outside observer. Why do we have to have sex in order for me to feel loved? He simply wants to hang out with me and connect, and his attitude is if we have sex, great! But it’s not a requirement for connecting.
It made me wonder, do I not feel loved when I’m on my period and can’t have sex? Does he feel rejected when I can’t have sex or when I don’t feel like it? And the answer was no, he’s fine.
In my opinion, besides making babies, the point of sex is to connect. Sex should be an extension of an already strong emotional connection. It shouldn’t be a filler. If I’m feeling empty inside, it’s not because I’m not having sex. This is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
It’s like saying, "I need chocolate." Do you? Do you really? If you’re hungry, then you need to fulfill that need. Chocolate is a solution, but it’s temporary. You won’t be satisfied for very long and you’ll start looking for more chocolate or hopefully some real food.
In fact, if you eat chocolate when you’re starving, you won’t enjoy it nearly as much as if you decided to enjoy a piece when you simply want some. Huge difference.
When I stopped being so damn needy about sex, and let our relationship flow without demands, requirements, and expectations that were only in my head, my happiness level has gone way up. Our relationship is stronger. If I want sex, I let it be known. I don’t expect it or require it, and if we end up fooling around, it’s a lot of fun and better than having it just to have it because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Yuck.
I don’t worry about how often we fool around. I’ve stopped thinking in terms of whether it's too much or not enough. I’ve stopped comparing our lives to others and assuming that they have better sex lives than I do. I’ve stopped assuming that my boyfriend is a mind reader. If I want something, I say it. He does the same.
So no, I no longer need sex. Yes, I love having sex with my partner. I love him. We have fun. And yes, I believe that connecting intimately is critical to the overall health of a couple. I just no longer believe it’s the only thing that connects you. And it certainly doesn’t create happiness.
Happiness begins from inside you. So, if you’re feeling needy or if any of what I’ve written resonates with you, look inward and start working on your self esteem. You don’t need sex to be happy.
Originally published on BlogHer
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