I’m the Brett Favre of dating. I’ve threatened retirement so many times, people stopped paying attention. But last fall, I decided to give online dating one last shot. And I hit the jackpot. A human man in his 30s with a job who wants a relationship!?
Jeff NotHisRealname worked at a “financial company probably in Tribeca.” (I assume everyone works at a financial company probably in Tribeca.) We communicated well — as much as two flirting strangers can over text. He told me about his family, about recently moving to NY and about what he’s looking for in a relationship. All signs pointed to “good dude, worth a date.” As usual, when I mentioned I was an improviser, he said, “Uh oh! Are you gonna talk about this in your act?” I naturally responded with, “Only if you do something stupid!”
We met for 2-for-1 happy hour drinks on a Wednesday. I wore a cute black dress that says, “I'm a grown up” and Michael Jackson Leggings that said, “...but I'm fun and quirky!”
While perusing the menu, he commented that “he had a rough night last night.” He looked around like a guy who’d just come into public after a lifetime in hiding. Sweating profusely, he kept asking, “Is it hot in here? I think it's hot in here.”
It was not. It was a brisk November evening.
It wasn't until he left for the bathroom and came back to the table sans sweater and covered in sweat that I realized: This dude is hungover as fuck.
Then Jeff quickly said, “Wanna get out of here? Maybe just go for a walk? It’s so hot in here!” I was ready to order my second drink of my 2-for-1 deal, but he quickly asked for the check (and paid! What a gentleman! That’s nice!).
The moment we hit the cold air, he held his hand to his mouth and stepped away. Aw. He doesn’t want to burp on me. But then I realized… Nope. He’s throwing up all over the sidewalk. Cool. I pretended I didn’t notice by looking over the menu on the outside door of the restaurant. Oh it looks like they have a special on Sunday nights. Huh.
He finally came up beside me and said, “So… I think I should go?”
After that, I couldn’t stop laughing. He repeated, “You’re going to use this in your act, aren’t you?” Well, you weren’t supposed to do something stupid, remember?
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