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Wives need to let their husbands have crushes on other women

Sasha Brown-Worsham


Sasha Brown-Worsham

Sasha Brown-Worsham has written for dozens of publications over the course of her years as a journalist and blogger. She lives outside NYC with her three children, husband, and multiple pets. She is working on her first novel.

Wife reacts badly to the news that her husband has a crush on their friend

Having a crush on someone even while you are married is a fairly normal thing. The fact is, getting married for life doesn't mean promising to never find another attractive. It just means not to act on those feelings. One man on Reddit found out the hard way that not every woman supports extramarital crushes and the humorous response has gone viral.

Going_Fakeless is the name of a Reddit user who told this tale of woe:

Starters: I'm married to my Wife (henceforth referred to as Wife). We have kids. We have the okayest of marriages.

We have a friend. Let's call her Kim. Kim is one of the cutest humans on the planet, and is genuinely a beautiful individual inside and out. Also is married and has kids. I've harbored a crush on this human pretty much since we met 2 years ago. I'm not an asshole and wouldn't cheat on the mother of my children, I just have the occasional daydream where our significant others tragically die in a plane crash and we find comfort in each others arms and genitals. You know.

Also part of this is my sister, henceforth known as Maggie. Maggie is bisexual, and on several occasions, I've found out that in general, Maggie and I often will have the hots for the same celebrities. We both watched the crap out of Gilmore Girls because of Alexis Bledel (don't judge).

Anywho.. I've gotten the suspicion that Maggie also has a crush on Kim, based on things she's said to her in past events, their interactions on social media and the kinds of comments my sister leaves on Kim's photos. It's all little things that add up, compliments that she doesn't normally give other people, a certain amount of shyness, and a general gut feeling.

Now.. the fuckup: So after dinner I am informed that Kim's birthday party is the end of the month and it's a surprise party. My wife asks me if I think Maggie would want to go. I say offhandedly "Oh I'm sure Maggie wouldn't mind hanging out with Kim". Wife asks me for clarification, as I hadn't mentioned my above theory to her. I clarified, stating that I think my sister has a little crush on Kim. My wife asked for further clarification, asking why I think that. Now at this point, I COULD (and should) have stated any of the things I said above, about the social media interactions, the shyness, the gut feeling etc.. However what I said was "Just the way I've seen her act around Kim. I know Maggie and I have a similar taste in girls"..

Uh-oh. His wife responded... not well. She was accusatory and angry and has probably lost all trust for him. One might then come to the conclusion that telling her was a bad idea. And maybe in their marriage that's true. But you know what? How good can their marriage really be?

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My husband and I have been married about 13 years and in those years, I have had crushes on a few different men. They were harmless flirtations. But had I kept them a secret, they might have been more. Instead, I shared them with my husband. He knew they were harmless and he laughed it off. Because I am honest with him, he is not a jealous person. He knows I would never cheat on him. I don't have to. Anything I feel or think, I share. This open honesty and communication is what keeps our marriage (and our best friendship) strong.

Of course, the question is: Does this go the other way, too? My answer: It depends. My husband is not a "crush" kind of guy. He is a little too practical for that. He tells me when other women are attractive. He has told me he imagines most women naked. It's just his default setting. But a "crush" would be something different. When I say crush I mean, he's so cute! It makes me happy when he pays attention to me! I like to flirt! My husband means: I want to date you and sleep with you. He doesn't really "do" crushes. It's all or nothing.

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So really, it's all about the person and the couple. We have no way of knowing what this Reddit couple's marriage is like. He describes it as "okayish," which doesn't seem like a ringing in endorsement. In a happy marriage, a crush can be harmless. But in a somewhat broken one, it can lead to an affair. And not having the trust and understanding to know what a "crush" means in your marriage, might be a sign you need to get counseling.

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