Saturday, I went on a hike with a girlfriend, and the topic of manifestation and "the law of attraction" came up. It's quite normal to have these kinds of chats in Los Angeles, as some of us are so longing for our dreams to come true we will try any method we've been told has worked. Whether it's some psychic at the corner or crystals that supposedly attract a certain energy, we'll try something that sounds a little out of the box to see if life will maybe go our way.
My friend was telling me about how she created a "vision board" and how everything she put on there "came true" in various ways. She explained how she went through magazines, and whatever picture she felt drawn to, she would cut it out and put on the board. "It was crazy, Davina," she said, "but within a year all the things came into my life in crazy ways."
I decided to give it a try and purchased a scrapbook. I had my roommate join in, and we made a fun evening of it. I cut out about 25 photos I felt drawn to and glued them into the book.
Later that night before going to bed, I looked at all the cutouts and realized most of them consisted of two things: couples and girlfriends laughing together. There was one page regarding my career, with a sassy picture of Beyoncé — I mean, who doesn't want to be Beyoncé? — but the rest of the pages were filled with a man looking at a woman as if she were the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. I put down the scrapbook and asked myself, Why are you drawn to these photos?
I'm not a lonely person. In fact, I've never felt more complete in my entire life. I've also never felt this free, and that may be a reason why I have avoided giving relationships another go for so long. But apparently, a part of me is ready to give it another try. I've been playing a victim of my past, as most who have been hurt before do, but this time it's not a fear of losing the other person, it's a fear of losing myself — again.
I've always made it very clear I won't be one of those girls who has multiple boyfriends. I don't believe in committing unless you see the potential of forever with the person. Why waste your time with someone and give a relationship "a try" when you both know there's an expiration date? When I sign up to be your girlfriend, I'm also expecting to be in the running for being your wife. It's up front, it's scary, and it's not what a guy wants to hear, but that is the reality.
I'm all for having a good time and know that not every relationship has to have commitment. In fact, I prefer the honesty of "just having fun" rather than "I'll try to be the good guy and be with you." Why try to nail down someone who wants to look left and right when you are right in front of them?
In my previous relationship, I thought I was going to marry him — I truly believed he was my person. When it ended, it wasn't the ending of a relationship, it was the ending of a life we had planned. After that, I decided to make my own plans on my own time and enjoy the freedom of not having to run everything by the other person. And I'm not going to lie to you, being single has been an absolute blast. However, here I am over a year later, with this silly "vision board" and the energy I was drawn to in each photo was love. Ugh.
The nice thing about being "ready" for something and not "needing" it is you don't compromise the things you desire. You don't try to make someone into something they aren't or give expectations to something who has been very clear from the beginning. You aren't starving for a feeling. You just know you would be open should the opportunity present itself. This little exercise told me I wasn't as opposed to falling in love again as I thought I was.
Although my head may still play victim to a very painful past, my vision board clearly showed my heart is finally healed, so in the meantime I'll keep having fun. I'll keep exploring, being single and enjoying things my mother would kill me for if she ever found out. But more importantly, I'll keep figuring out what I want through each experience. Once you know what you truly want, you aren't in danger of settling for anything less than what you know you positively deserve. And apparently, for me, that is nothing less than love.
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