Share this Story

What The Bachelor can teach us about feeling unlovable

My work as a marriage and family therapist in Scottsdale, Arizona helps to  instill hope and change in people.

I write to expand my audience in areas of relationships, love, dating and family. I wrote a short  book to help those with ...

Why we shouldn't ever make someone else responsible for our self-worth

“I’m, like, the most unlovable person in the whole world right now,” Jubilee says, baring her feelings after being asked by Ben to leave The Bachelor.

More: How Younger is tackling ageism in the workplace

Jubilee, your worth is not dependent on whether Ben Higgins chooses you to be his future bride. Actually, your worth has nothing to do with any man. I cannot stress enough that a woman's value is never contingent on if a man finds her attractive or picks her to continue a journey to find love on a reality-TV show. As women, we need to realize that self-worth comes from loving ourselves more than wanting someone else to love us. Self-esteem comes from the inside, not from external factors such as a relationship.

The Bachelor is an entertaining view on love and relationships, but we don’t need relationships to make us whole or loved. Developing a real relationship on a reality-TV show might be possible, but it is not indicative of anyone’s self-worth. I find it quite interesting that the same issue Jubilee struggles with is the same as Higgins' own fear of being unlovable, which I wrote about after the season premiere. The same ideas that apply to him apply to any of the women on the show.

More: How the media is promoting unhealthy body image expectations

This type of TV show preys on the insecurities of women. I've watched season after season and heard contestants make the same comments about other women and compare themselves and their looks. This show is quite superficial if you really pay attention. Beauty does not define healthy self-worth, and external looks or superficial elements do not make someone a better person or give humility or self-worth.

The media’s role in promoting unhealthy images is a topic that seems to pop up constantly, and The Bachelor is no different. Even if society enjoys these entertaining shows and media, we have to keep in mind that it is not always healthy to put the emphasis on superficiality. We need to focus on what is really important — and appearance, self-worth from relationships and looking outside ourselves for approval and validation are not healthy or productive.

Focus on building love of yourself as a person, and all will fall into place. Self-care and feeling loved are things anyone can work on and develop. You do not need a relationship to validate your sense of self. You are lovable, and so are Jubilee and Ben. They just might need to discover that not on TV but with self-reflection.

More: Rebel Wilson strikes back at the Kardashians' superficiality

Follow Us

SheKnows Media ‐ Beauty and Style

New in Love

And you'll see personalized content just for you whenever you click the My Feed .

SheKnows is making some changes!

b h e a r d !

Welcome to the new SheKnows Community,

where you can share your stories, ideas

and CONNECT with millions of women.

Get Started