The perfect costume for a one-dimensional ex who's like a stuffed animal — cuddly and comfy to sleep with. He needs lots of TLC but has little more to offer beyond his own needs and his cuteness.
Imagine your ex with a can of beer, bong and photo of babes with breasts — apron optional.
This costume fits the insecure ex in your life. A clear reflection of his sense of self — or rather lack thereof — he compensates for his feelings of inadequacy and physical shortcomings by putting down everyone around him, especially you.
Picture your ex with black shoulder-length hair, yellow opaque stockings, kneepads — good for when he comes begging you for forgiveness — and a mirror for him to reflect what a jerk he is.
Dress up the cheater in your life. He made you believe you were the one and only until you accidentally saw an incoming text with, "I can’t wait to see you again tonight." Then you did the I know I should keep looking, but... and read all his texts. The truth revealed itself — and so did he.
Visualize him in a bowling shirt, shorts and socks with loafers, holding a remote and a high ball glass filled with scotch or any other alcoholic beverage within arms length.
Optional: Picture him standing in front of an ongoing train. For those who didn’t see the Two and a Half Men finale, Rose, Charlie Parker's stalker and wife, pushed him in front of a train after discovering him in bed with another woman.
Your clueless ex definitely can be Homer for Halloween. Even when you tell him you’re leaving or what you wanted from him, he simply can’t compute your words and asks for another donut or beer. It was definitely time to cross him off your bucket list. Unlike yours, his only listed buckets of chicken, beer and chili.
Imagine him yellow with Botox lips, half open bulgy eyes, two black strands of hair on top of his head, munching on a donut with sprinkles and drooling.
One picture says all you need to know about a costume for your grumpy ex. He never smiles or feels for others. Even when watching the Pope visiting America and embracing ill children, he just sits there with a blank expression asking, “Big deal, what can he do for me?”
Visualize him with whiskers on his grumpy mug, sitting in a litter box reading his own Facebook page and meowing.
This costume is perfect for the ex who is, well, a bastard. He has an insatiable appetite for self-indulgence and selfishness, is blind to your emotional well-being and loves fine wine — or at least he thinks it’s fine since its from Italy or France.
Imagine him in a dark blue, button-down shirt over a white T-shirt with a wrestling mask and glass of Chianti, the film classic side of fava beans and his liver are optional.
If Drama is your ex's middle name, this is the costume for him. You love him with all your heart and he adores you. You believe you’re soul-mates. He’s sensitive, sexy, romantic, smart and fun. So what's the problem? Life crises and insecurities detour him from building a life with you. You break up. You get back together. He’s back on track. You believe again that love conquers all along with therapy. The cycle continues.
Imagine him wearing a cowboy shirt and boots with jeans, sporting a scruffy beard and holding a guitar.
Optional: Your head on his shoulder with your heart going pitter pat, and wondering if he's your ex right now or not.
Share any and all ideas that you have, too!
Julie Edelman, aka The Accidental Housewife, has been a SheKnows Expert for three years, sharing tips and tricks to maintain your home, sanity and manicure. Now, Julie will be sharing entertaining posts, personal experiences and advice to help clean up another of life’s messes — a break-up. Called the Boyfriend Cleanz, born from her own emotional roller coaster journey to "cleanz" and get her sense of self and sass back!
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