Weighing the pros and cons always helps, too. In that spirit, I've teamed up with Mike Goldstein of EZ Dating Coach to offer you the "he said/she said" Expert perspective. Here's what we have to say:
He said:I think they should have sex after commitment/monogamy is firmly in place, and both parties are 100% comfortable with the idea of having sex. At least one study suggests that men know if they will fall in love after three dates. Thus, some men will be willing to commit very quickly. If commitment happens on date four, followed by sex on the end of date four, it is possible that both parties didn't truly get to know each other — and now may remain in a relationship that is based on initial chemistry or lust, instead of a rock-solid foundation built upon core values and similar beliefs.
Thus, I think what may be more helpful is determining exactly what you need in a life partner, and then ensuring your guy has it, and vice versa. If these core values are satisfied and both of you want to commit to each other, I think having sex should be very fulfilling — and, hopefully, just the beginning of a flourishing relationship.
I 100% agree with Patti Stanger's "no sex before monogamy" rule. If you are truly looking for love and a long-term committed relationship, you should wait until you truly know the person, and know you want to be with that person and no one else.
She said: The bottom line is that it all depends on the type of guys you are generally attracted to and date. If you are attracted to players, then you need to have clear rules — and clear communication — in place to make sure you are on the same commitment page.
But if you tend to choose a relationship-oriented guy, then it does not matter when you have sex. If you have the same values and goals in life and are attracted to each other, a relationship-oriented guy wants a relationship. Sleeping with him on date one or date 10 is less relevant to him, as he usually dates one person at a time and wants a girlfriend. Timing is less important.
>He said: On the positive side, sex sometimes breaks down communication boundaries and allows people to open up. If good sex is in your top five must haves, at least you find out early if he satisfies your needs. Also, there is hopefully an orgasm or two. (I hear they are enjoyable!)
As for the cons of having sex too early, many women typically enjoy sex more when the emotional connection is highly established and strong. Without a strong connection, of course, some people will vanish after sex. A lengthy courting process usually weeds out the pretenders. Meanwhile, those men who actually want to court, chase, and eventually feel like they were able to get the girl may move onto the next one, if there isn't a little challenge involved.
One last thought: At age 16, you can't wait to get your driver's license. At age 20, you can't wait to turn 21 so you can drink legally. In your 30's and 40's, there isn't some major life event you are waiting for. However, it can feel pretty darn special to have sex with that one person you have been waiting date after date to finally take the plunge with. Don't cheat yourself of the anticipation, the butterflies and the wonderful uncertainty of the moments where it may or may not happen.
She said: If you are both relationship-oriented people, having sex early psychologically can seal the deal, and make you feel more comfortable "claiming your person."
But if you suck at choosing good people to date and you sleep with them too soon, you can catch diseases, get heartbroken, feel disrespected and waste your time. So again, it comes down to choosing wisely. No matter what you do, a player is a player and prefers the chase to the relationship. In the end he's not a recommended partner for life. So even if you get him into the relationship, if you have to keep creating "the chase," then when the heck are you going to be able to relax and feel secure? Do you always have to be an unavailable mystery person to keep his interest?
On the other hand, a relationship person is in it for the long haul, and will work hard to keep the relationship going for life. So stop worrying about timing and playing games, and spend your time tweaking your taste to a good old relationship-oriented person whom you will love and who will love you forever. It's time and energy better spent.
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