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Guy writes an essay on penis, and we're really confused

Meagan Morris is an entertainment and lifestyle journalist living in New York City. In addition to SheKnows, Morris contributes to many publications including The New York Times, Yahoo! News, PopEater, NBC New York and Spinner. Follow he...

Dude tries to hook up on Tinder using a 7-page essay, fails

OK, so we all know Tinder is meant to be a hookup app. I, on the other hand, mostly use it as a way to throw one-liners at random dudes in a 10-mile radius.

Sometimes I even like to throw out random challenges to guys just to see what they'll do. Most guys will just stop replying (or unmatch me, the horror!).

Well, most guys... save for one Redditor. Lonely user ball-in-ass found a beautiful girl he liked, but her vague profile just left too many questions.

Dude tries to hook up on Tinder using a 7-page essay, fails

Image: Imgur

So, he did what any horny guy would do: He asked about his penis.

Dude tries to hook up on Tinder using a 7-page essay, fails

Image: Imgur

Noelle was clearly trying to give the poor guy an easy brush-off, because who is really going to write an essay in MLA, the chosen style of every high school English teacher? This guy. The problem? He's not exactly Nicholas Sparks, so he opted to do the next best thing: crowdsource the essay on Reddit.

And Reddit delivered. "I'm actually bored (and sad and lonely) enough to do this," wrote WithinMyGrasp. He returned in just a couple of hours with a seven-page tome, uploaded in full to Google Docs, that delves into the historical obsession with phallic objects and how that relates to, well, the value of his penis.

I am but a man, and what more can I say than to suggest that, as a part of your continued pursuit of the perfect form, you consider myself to be but a humble step towards the experience of all that the Egyptians and Romans considered to be the pathway to heaven? What more can I ask than for you to experience my representation of defiance to the Gods, my ray of sunshine that I revere as a gift from the daily drudgery, the drive of instinct, the push and pull of the rat race. I bow before you requesting that you do, indeed, as millions of earth’s inhabitants before you, consider my penis worth your while.

Solid effort, but the essay, sadly, did not end with a happy hookup.

Dude tries to hook up on Tinder using a 7-page essay, fails

Image: Imgur

"She said I missed the deadline," wrote ball-in-ass. "But she will still take it into consideration because it's so beautifully written."

Keep swiping left, buddy.

More on Tinder and online dating

The anatomy of a creepy Tinder profile
20 Real Tinder texts that are creepy, scary and just plain weird
How to handle the awkward adventures of online dating

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