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20 Real Tinder texts that are creepy, scary, and just plain weird

Based out of Dallas, Texas, Mary McCoy is a writer and social worker for disenfranchised women and children. She's a single mom, lover of Texas barbecue, and a die-hard fan of yoga

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Oh Tinder, you veritable dumping ground of creepy men with fire in their loins, what would we do without you?

First thought? Sleep more soundly at night. Second thought, of course, is that we'd probably laugh less often. The proof is in these 20 mystifying and creepy Tinder texts, straight out of happily ever after.

1. Starting with a bang

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderLines.com

OK, probably not an actual bang.

2. Squirrels are sexy

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderCreeps.com

Hot. Steamy. Squirrels. Sounds more like roadkill than a pickup line.

3. Bonus points: Accounting for Pluto's change in planetary status

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Straight White Boys Texting

Negative points for... everything else.

4. Solid movie reference

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderLines.com

Less creepy, more awesome. She prob should have given him a chance.

5. Actually, that sounds about right

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Straight White Boys Texting

We'll give him an A+ for awareness.

6. Do you understand pickup lines?

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Tinder's Finest Bachelors

Does an occasional dose of Tylenol give a woman a certain look?

7. Wheelchairs and pumpkin spice

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Humor Sharing

He probably should have specified his plans more thoroughly to avoid this awkwardness.

8. Which kind of terrible things?

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderLines.com

Like eating a burrito before CrossFit? That kind of a terrible thing?

9. Never drink and Tinder

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderLines.com

What was he even drinking? Paint varnish?

10. We doubt it's that large

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderCreeps.com

Guys, have you ever heard that women are just so impressed when we hear about penis size from the penis owner? We aren't.

11. A new take on the onesie

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Tinder's Finest Bachelors

That's a really nice compliment, but I'm kinda using it right now.

12. Lovesick Chilean tortoises

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Straight White Boys Texting

And pineapples. This guy is a keeper.

13. Probably not

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Humor Sharing

Good Lord, does anyone really think that's the good part of sex? Yeesh.

14. Sounds tempting

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Tinder Chats

That's a great suggestion and all, Eric, but what's in it for you?

15. A keen eye for detail

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderLines.com

The tiny image at the end of this shady message tells us that this is a man with an eye for detail.

16. Honesty isn't the best policy

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderCreeps.com

It takes a special man to go out of his way to be an a-hole. Welcome to Tinder, a place that's full of special men.

17. Who are these friends of yours, and why have they named your penis?

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Humor Sharing

He looks more like it should be named Princess Sophia. His friends have done him a gross disservice.

18. Can't go wrong with the American flag

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: TinderCreeps.com

For you? America.

19. Speaking of danger

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: Tinder Chats

Got to love a man who knows how to finesse a conversation.

20. Woman. On. Top.

These Tinder texts are so blazing bad, you'll want to set your vagina on fire

Image: How to Lose a Guy in One Tinder

This one is just for fun, since clearly women can mess with guys, too. Right back at ya, fellas.

Image: Denis Bocquet/Flickr

More about online dating

50 Thoughts you have when you finally sign on to Tinder
15 Horrifying and real OKCupid messages
OKCupid expands sexual identity and gender options

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