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15 Dirty talk fails that will make you laugh, cry, and scratch your head

Lisa Fogarty

by

Lisa Fogarty

Lisa Fogarty has written numerous articles for USA Today, The Stir, Opposing Views and other publications. She has covered everything from red carpet events to the discovery of toxic PCBs on school windows. She lives on Long Island, N.Y....

The weirdest things women have heard men say in bed

When dirty talk is good, it can catapult us to pleasurable places we never knew existed. But when it’s awkward and WTF-bad, it turns the next 60 seconds of sex (if you can last even that long) into one long wait at a bus stop. In February. At four in the morning.

Sure, we ladies are guilty of sometimes saying off-the-wall things during sex that kill the mood or, at the very least, make us erupt into a fit of giggles. A friend of mine confided she once told her boyfriend she wanted to “catch” him touching himself — she had meant to say she wanted to “watch” him touch himself — very different — but it was too late to edit her words. Her merciless partner spent the next hour teasing her about being a creepy stalker.

More: 20 Sext message templates for the sexting beginner

Sometimes, though, attempts at sexy talk don’t come off as merely goofy, they sound borderline psychotic. I spoke with a number of women who experienced the ultimate pain: those minutes that feel like hours after a partner blurted out something that was (we think?) meant to drive her crazy, but only caused her to question his sanity.

Here are 15 that make us scratch our heads:

1. "He said, 'I was wrong, you are nothing like my mom' and, needless to say, that was the last time I ever saw him or his mother."

 2. "Do you think this will get any better?” The answer was, obviously, “HELL to the no."

3. He said, "Do you expect to orgasm every time we have sex, because most women don’t. It's just how it is.” Thanks, Alfred Kinsey.

4. "Do you mind not looking at me?” 

5. "Tell me why you wanted to f*** me.” Ummm… can I get back to you on that one?

6.This was so good, can you imagine how it will be when we get into the good stuff?” I honestly hope this woman stuck around out of sheer curiosity.

7. "Let me know when you're close and I'll go down on you.” Unorthodox approach, but I'd, personally, honor this man with an award for his generosity.

8. "Can I shave you?”

9.Whoa, time machine to 1979.” No, not spoken by the same pubic hair-obsessed man. There are now actually at least two out there in the world — ladies, consider that your warning.

10. "Your vagina is so unusual… so sensual… so many layers.” Should I donate my body to the botanical gardens for research purposes?

11. “I need you to arch your back more. Like a kitty cat.”

12. “Sorry, I haven’t been able to get it up since I used to do heroin a few years ago.”

13.My ex loved this position too.”

14. Him: “Want to have sex?”

Me: “Not in the mood. I have my period.”

Him: “How about anal instead?"

And, I saved the best for last: 

15. "Do you have a mattress pad on the bed?

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