Before you go focusing on me, me, me: "I need," "I want," "This is what you can do for me"... what you actually need is to get clear on you. I hear it all the time as a dating coach, clients who are telling me what they want in a guy, but they have no idea what they offer or, even more importantly, who they are, what they stand for, what their core values are, what they truly need as opposed to what they think they simply want. You need to look inside yourself and think about who you are. Where have you slipped up? What could you have done better in past relationships? How have you failed others? How have you failed yourself?
If you can't figure out why you keep attracting these guys who are manic, obsessive, partiers, workaholics or lacking drive and direction, look in the mirror. The people you attract are often a reflection of yourself, a mirror image. Think about if you really want a mirror image of you.
Do you have manic behaviors? When you are depressed, do you lose complete control around food, devouring absolutely everything in sight? Do you easily become frenzied when something doesn't go your way, irrationally exploding on whoever is in front of you? Are you focused on finding parties every night, sometimes two in case the first is a bust? Do you feel like if you're not out being social, you are alone and have no life? When on vacation, are you already planning the next one, finding fulfillment in being on the move and empty when you are at rest? Do you feel like your clock is ticking down like a timer and your opportunity to get married and knocked up is now or never, so you are frantically dating anyone and everyone who asks you out just because they are husband and father material, and regardless of if they are a fit for you? Do you tend to take care of everything and everyone, taking on too much "because you know you can do it" or "because no one can do it as well as I will," then you wonder why you're attracting needy people who want you to take care of them and who are never good enough for you?
It's said that if someone is acting crazy, there is often a crazy maker. Are you the crazy maker? Are you doing little things that sabotage your happiness? Little things that get under his skin that might seem like nothing to you but are big to him? Maybe you always seem to be in "dramatic" relationships because you are the root of that drama. What are you doing to contribute to the repeated downfall? Because you are definitely not innocent every time.
Stirring the pot? Maybe you are stirring the pot and you don't even know it. Or maybe you do. Maybe you should ask, in a calm way, when you are not in an argument. Understanding his perspective can help you to more clearly see yourself. Because you are seeing you through his eyes.
Misplaced priorities? Maybe your relationships repeatedly end because you are simply picking the wrong guys. You have misplaced priorities and values that mislead you.
Take a beat. Inhale into your belly. Fully exhale all of the stress and fears and emptiness. Now think about it. How have you been acting? What patterns have you been experiencing in your relationships? What similar traits have the guys you have dated all possessed? Look at yourself. Are you those things too? Are you getting shallow guys because you are giving off shallow energy? Are you getting needy guys because you're giving off needy energy? Are you getting guys who are desperate because you are giving off desperate energy? Is what you're giving off really you? Or just you right now? Is this a phase or rooted in fear? Are they who you want to attract right now? If not, you've got to get clear first. Do your work. Then you will get the right guy for you, based on what you are giving off to them.
Once you have figured you out, and still before you go making demands, think about what you have to offer. What do you bring to the table? Are you a pretty face, a hot body, a great sense of humor, a witty mouth, a sharp intellect, a nurturer? What else? This is when you look at your core values. Then you need to combine the two concepts: being clear on what you actually want and understanding that you get what you give. If you want honesty, be honest. If you want trust, be trustworthy. If you want love, be loving. Now that is when you will finally be happy and make someone, "the" one, happy in return.
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