Q: I'm in a new relationship with a great guy. I really want it to work, and our sex life shows a lot of potential except for one significant problem. He doesn't last very long, and sex often ends with him feeling guilty and discontent that he didn't pleasure me. I'm not sure how to solve this problem in a way that doesn't bruise his ego. Is there something I can or should do differently? Signed, Desperate in Denver
A: Premature ejaculation (PE) can often wreak havoc on a guy's confidence and sometimes cause him to avoid new relationships altogether. The truth is, it is actually very common. Some studies report nearly two-thirds of women have had sex with a man who is quite fast in the sack. However, there are absolutely methods you can practice and products you can explore to delay his "peak zone."
Whether your partner has PE or you'd simply like to take his pleasure to new heights, putting yourself in the driver's seat has a lot of advantages because it puts you close to the action. However, success relies on clear communication. He needs to be able and willing to tell you when he is close to climax. And then you need to be able and willing to pull back and, if required, pause.
The key is to bring him close but not over the edge of ejaculation. This will cause him to experience an orgasmic contraction which will ease some of the tension that has built up in his body. You can do this in a number of ways. Getting on top during intercourse, for example, allows you to control the speed and thrust. This position also makes it easy for him to stimulate and pleasure you (or you can take matters into your own hands and pleasure yourself).
Desensitizing condoms and lubes, oh my! Another highly effective option is condoms and lubes made to prolong male performance. These products are made with benzocaine, a common topical anesthetic.
Durex Performax Intense is the newest desensitizing condom on the market. It has a delay lube on the inside of the condom (for him) and ribs and studs on the outside for your pleasure.
Two other options are the original Durex Performax and Trojan's Extended Pleasure both featuring a delay lube inside the condom. (Outside you will want to use the lube of your choice as additional lube always makes sex with condoms safer and more pleasurable.)
If you already have a favorite condom, or your guy requires a smaller condom or larger condom, there is no reason for despair. In that case, I'd recommend a climax-delaying personal lubricant. Ride Rock Delay Spray contains a generous 7.5 percent of benzocaine which makes it a very fast desensitizer. You simply apply it to his penis during foreplay and then apply the properly fitting condom of your choice.
Please be aware that the condoms and lubes I've mentioned are quite effective, and if a man does not truly need stamina support, they will have a numbing effect that will make climax extremely difficult or impossible. (A mistake that will likely not be made twice.)
Manual and oral sex are also ideal ways to offer mutual pleasure, finely hone his delaying climax skills, as well as see that your needs are adequately met. Lubricant here is key. There are a variety of lubes designed specifically to increase sensitivity and prevent dryness which can occur during manual stimulation.
You can also bring oral sex to a whole new dimension of pleasure (and tasty fun) with flavored lube.
With a bit of patience and experimentation, you'll learn how to please each other, and it never hurts to have a vast repertoire of activities to choose from.
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