An enterprising dude created an Excel spreadsheet detailing his significant other's reasons for turning down sex. Upon analyzing the data, it looks like he has a slight window of opportunity right after she showers, when one of her shows isn't on, provided she’s had her coffee; morning seems to be a good time for her.
Like most guys, I've gone through the motions of sex, even when I don’t want it. But, I'm stuck in an anxiety vortex causing me to turn down sex. When I'm single and on the scene, I don’t have access to sex all the time, so any opportunity is coveted. In long-term relationships, turning down sex is more common for both the man and the woman.
Here are seven of my excuses.
Famously heard through an adjoining door at a hotel during a wedding weekend by my friend who shook his head in disappointment, I broke out this excuse after making out with a girl in my room. Sports are best enjoyed in a live setting, so sex needs to be scheduled accordingly. It also should be noted that I was not attracted to the wedding girl, so SportsCenter looked even more awesome.
I once asked a friend what he did when his wife went away. He said: "I light candles, put on soft music, and go to town on the porn." I said: "what if your wife gets home wanting sex?" He said: "I guess I have to take one for the team." He’s much more of a trooper than I am. For me, it's tough to get back up and at 'em after consuming too much porn and/or satisfying myself. In a long-term relationship I can fess up. In a random encounter, I simply avoid sex.
I've said "you're too wasted" or "I'm too wasted." Weirdly, when we are similarly wasted, we do the old college try, thinking our minds and bodies will match up. Usually, it's not so great.
At times, I'm wondering where I am in life, or not feeling up to snuff. This is an un-sexual, un-macho, un-romantic feeling. I can't imagine what "I feel gross" means in that guy's spreadsheet, but I bet that is the female version of a male feeling depressed. This excuse only flies in long-term relationships after an extended period of turn-downs.
An intimidating, gay, perfectionist friend of mine, John-Mark, once hired me to work at a portrait wall at Fashion Week to answer questions about the portraits. During the week, I started making out with this girl in the catering tent (already a train wreck situation in the making). One night, she aggressively told me: "tomorrow I'm going to meet you behind the tents and you're going to do me right there against the wall." I sheepishly replied: "but I can't, I have to work the portrait wall tomorrow." Needless to say my friends were all disappointed, but John-Mark told me I made "precisely the right decision." I certainly didn't want to deal with the John-Mark fallout if he didn't see me on that wall.
No, I'm not some long-lasting stud. I'm simply too anxious about sex to be a "quickie guy." Let's say we have 10 minutes before we need to get ready for a dinner reservation. It's: "get hard on command," which used to be easy when I was 17. Then: "you have four minutes to satisfy me" (this math assumes it takes six minutes for me to get hard under pressure). I'm perpetually late for things, so the turn-down is never about lateness, it's about anxiety.
The last thing I want is someone hearing my awkward sex sounds through a wall (or an adjoining hotel room door, or Fashion Week tent fabric), or in public. At home, my cat magically senses me getting intimate regardless of where he is in the apartment, and arrives at the foot of the bed to watch the show like a Roman emperor enjoying gladiators. I feel too guilty putting him out of the room, and he starts scratching the door, which is probably the most non-sexual sound in the universe.
What are the wackiest or best excuses you've used, or heard used on you?
Photo credit: Newton Daly/Digital Vision/Getty Images
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