Marriage is basically listening to your husband swear and scream at scanners/printers from another room.— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) June 24, 2014
Truly I bet many marriages would be saved if we could collectively cut it out with things having to be printed at all. I've never met a printer that didn't totally mess with my sanity.
Is it worse if his ex is a psychopath or a saint?— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 13, 2014
OK this is actually a really great question. On the one hand, if she's a saint, you're toast because who wants to try and live up to someone who never made mistakes? But then if she's a psycho, you can know that you're measuring up nicely, but then there's the elephant in the room of the guy you're with loved a psycho.
Honestly, my favorite thing about being in a relationship is, it doubles the number of people in the house who can get me a snack.— ali waller (@imaliwaller) June 25, 2014
Because true companionship always comes down to snacking compatibility. I dated a non-snacker once and it was really hard on me. And yes I use past tense because... Cheetos.
Love is... "Will you watch me sing and dance for a few hours?" "YES."— lesley arfin (@lesleyarfin) April 23, 2014
Or even better love is… "Will you dance and sing with me for a few hours?" "Yes, I'll get the Best of Backstreet Boys album." Or something.
All my business meetings are like 'Blue is the Warmest Color' and all my dates are like 'Schindler's List', am I doing something wrong— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) May 26, 2014
Better than all of my relationships: Gone in 60 Seconds or Must Love Dogs.
fave dating site = Ouija board— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 15, 2014
I think I might be with her at this point. That and/or a magic 8 ball might be the most effective.
Guy- "I love you" Girl- "Oh my god! I love you too!" Guy- "Whoa. You are moving too fast. I need some space"— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 12, 2013
Funny because it's true. Sad because it's true. True because it's true.
Oh silly straight man, I don't care what you think about my outfit. I'm wearing it for your wife and my gay friend Todd.— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 24, 2013
Truth: The hardest thing about getting dressed for a date as a heterosexual female is remembering that the only person who is paying attention is a straight guy.
Jerry's gf dumps him for not wishing her happy bday on Facebook. J:"I said it to her face!" E:"But her friends can't see that &get jealous."— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) May 14, 2014
This account is simply genius, and this tweet says so much about dating and technology that I can't stop reading it.
I told my boyfriend I've been planning our wedding for years. He told me "I've never seen you before in my life. Get off my bike."— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) February 24, 2014
Takeaway: If you don't have a real boyfriend, an imaginary one will work... until it doesn't.
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