My Gaydar Needs
A Tuneup

I used to brag about how awesome my "gaydar" was — my ability to figure out if someone was gay or not. I don't do that anymore. I have met and fallen in love with many gay people who challenge everything I thought I knew about what it means to be gay. Now I'm all over the map, and this state of confusion is affecting my love life.

Metrosexual man

It all started with Matt

About this columnist:

You know how one minute you're in a happy and fulfilling marriage and the next you find out that your husband of 20 years has been cheating on you with someone 10 years younger? Well I do. I went from country club wife and mother of high school students to a single, 39-year-old “cougar.” In this weekly feature, I will share with you all the mind-boggling, head-scratching, is-this-someone's-idea-of-a-joke moments from my so-called single life. Consider this your private invitation to my tremendous learning curve…

When I was first separated from my ex-husband of 20 years, I fell for this amazing 6'2" blond, blue-eyed construction worker, who also happened to be 10 years younger. He was exceptionally physical, to a point. We'd make out like we had two hours to live, but he'd never "seal the deal" (except once — and there were performance issues).

He was extremely religious, which I liked. I'm not, but we still had really deep talks about spiritual things. He was very masculine, but I have since met very masculine men who are gay. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if Matt was gay, but eternally conflicted due perhaps to his religious beliefs.

He loves me, he loves me not (because he loves men?)

Now I have a crush on a man who might be gay. He's gorgeous and smells amazing. He shops for clothes more than I do and he's more stylish than I could ever dream of being. He makes inappropriate wise cracks around me, but he's never hit on me. (I'm not trying to be arrogant, but that's pretty rare for me. Men don't usually want to be my friend.)

He lives in a huge house by himself which is tricked out with modern decor, but he likes to hunt and fish. He's in his mid-30s and has never been married, and as far as I can tell has never had a relationship lasting longer than six months.

His appearance means way more to him than mine does. I do my hair and makeup once a day and that's it. How I look the rest of the day is everyone else's problem — I don't have to see it. One day I hopped in his car, and I had to move his hair products (that he had brought "in case the wind was blowing") out of the way. But he also likes country music and doing ranch work (and yes, I have seen Brokeback Mountain).

What's the verdict?

I'm so confused. Another gay man whom I adore (but don't have a crush on) swears my crush is gay. Is there a polite way to ask? Does Hallmark make a card that says, "You are so hot and funny and smell so good and I know you like to do 'guy' stuff, but I'm getting some serious mixed signals here. Are you gay? Check here for ‘yes' or here for ‘no.'" It doesn't really matter, I think I'm just looking to spare my ego because he's not interested in me "that way." I'm kidding. Kind of.

Tell us

Is my crush gay? Do you have a similar story to this one? Did you ask? How did it turn out? Share in the comments below!

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Comments

Comments on "I think my crush might be gay"

Mark January 11, 2014 | 2:47 PM

I'm , and before I really knew what I liked (and felt comfortable with myself) I had three girlfriends, and even though sometimes I thought about guys and had my "emotional affairs", my girlfriends never had a clue. And probably that's why the relationships didn't last more than a year. It takes longer for some people to come out to themselves (which is the first and one of the most difficult steps), and while that doesn't happen, dating girls is kind of necessary, so you can try to convince yourself you're not , but it usually doesn't work out. Many other things can be an issue, such as religion, family, friends, etc. Anyway, your crush might be , and I think you should ask him indirectly, ask him if he's ever been with a guy or wanted to. And you should also tell him you're into him but scared to commit to someone who can't commit to you. I wish you the best of luck!

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