The burning question
I've been dating a wonderful man for two years who just proposed. After a recent bachelor party in Vegas, I found out my fiance lied about going to a strip club. I told him from day one: NO STRIP CLUBS! He gave me a speech about it being a bachelor party, it's Vegas, blah, blah, blah… and now every time he goes out with his friends, an argument erupts because I don't believe he's going where he says. Trust is important to me and I don't know how I'll marry him without it. I made a new rule that he has to call me before, during and after he's out with his friends. He thinks that's controlling. Am I being a controlling drama queen?
— Melissa in Michigan
The answer is yes! And I am dropping your Controlling Drama Queen membership card into the mailbox! But don't fret, because you'll be joining the club with millions of women, including yours truly. Trust is something I've been challenged with, so I get it! Now let's start with the fact that you opened your question with "I've been dating a wonderful man." I love that you wrote that as I listen and look for things that show me the bigger picture. That leads me to believe that your fiance hasn't shown you a pattern of lies prior to this strip club. The problem here is not that he went to the strip club, but that he broke an agreement that you made and lied to you about it. I am hearing you feel betrayed and disrespected and that's what this is about. I understand your feelings 100 percent (and, so do millions of readers who have also experienced this!).
Did your fiance choose to lie to you? Yes! But, I don't believe he did it to hurt you. He made his choice (a wimpy one!) hoping you wouldn't find out (Busted!). My advice is you start from scratch. Tell him how you feel (without making him wrong!), forgive him for lying to you and create a new agreement. How does it feel to give him freedom to hit a strip club only for a bachelor party? This doesn't mean he's cashing his check for singles every Friday night! This compromise may satisfy you. I also want you to examine what this brings up for you. I've learned from past relationships that situations like this challenge things that are going on deep within us. I remember when I dated a gorgeous film director and freaked out every time he'd start a new film, because I assumed he'd want to sleep with his lead actress. I had to dig deep and figure out where my insecurities were coming from. Was I comparing myself to these actresses? Was I not feeling good, pretty or talented enough? I realized it was my own fear of losing him. I share this, because I want you to dig deep and see if you're feeling fearful in some way. If your fiance is the wonderful man you describe, then his hitting a strip club at a bachelor party shouldn't affect your relationship.
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