Assertive vs Aggressive behavior: I don't have a handle on the difference between the two. Sometimes I get so angry, I blurt out how I feel when things don't go well. Help!
A colleague/boss does something to anger you. Let's say they don't give you credit for a report you've written and claim it as their own. Well, if that happened to me, I would be very angry too. Give yourself permission to feel your anger. Walk to the bathroom, a place where you can silently seethe, or call a friend to vent. Then, wait a day to take further action so your feelings aren't on the edge.
Next, strategize. How do you let others know the information was yours? Convey it informally, in conversations with higher-ups. Let them know the part you did, and be sure to take any aggression out of telling the story. You are asserting yourself by doing this and eliminating any hard edge.
Plus, it's a lesson learned. The next time you hand in a report to that person who likes to take the credit for his own, you'll now have the advantage of knowing to do a mini-PR campaign before hand, and won't have to worry about tackling it after the fact.
What advice do you have for working with someone on your team who you don't trust? How can you move past that, or should you? Isn't it better to trust your instinct?
Yes. Trust your instinct by all means. There is a reason you're feeling uncomfortable. Because of office politics, there are those people who will pretend to be on your side, but when you're not there, they'll gossip like crazy or try to undermine your efforts. These people are usually very insecure.
Watch your own back, and if there is a colleague you work with that you absolutely trust, have them keep their eyes and ears open too. Plus, you can, in turn, help them out if a similar need ever arises.
For more questions, please e-mail Helene Lerner.
For more than a decade, Helene Lerner has been addressing the concerns of contemporary women. As a prolific author, public television host, Emmy Award-winning executive producer, Fortune 500 workplace consultant, she covers a wide range or issues. As CEO of Creative Expansions, Inc., Helene has produced more than 20 television specials and written nine books. Look for her latest book, Smart Women Take Risks.
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