How to cope when your child goes away to college

Jul 11, 2008 10:05 AM by Gina LaGuardia

Posted in Living / School & Education / College

The Empty Nest

You've waited almost 18 years for this day. Your son or daughter is proudly off at college. You've been through the talk about independence, have ensured there's enough funds in her debit card account to start her off, and have unloaded your car of the extra-long twin sheets, flip-flops for the community showers, and the big-store-size bottle of aspirin.

The settling-into-college period was eventful, busy and a little chaotic, so much so that you hadn't had time to acknowledge the nagging pit in your stomach or the fact that you've been hallucinating about her riding a tricycle or losing her very first tooth for the past week now.

"Often change affects us emotionally, before we can handle it logically," explains John Baker, a leadership expert and author of the newly released book, READY Thinking - Primed For Change. "Recognize that you will need some time." Baker's advice is to let the emotions flow - express what you're feeling, and surround yourself with support: family, friends, perhaps someone who is experiencing a similar event with the departure of their child. And when those waves of nostalgia wash over you? "Take solace in the future changes you will experience in you child's life and how the miracle of growth will continue," he says.

Hovering over the (empty) nest?

Pegina Echevarria was shocked to feel inklings of empty-nest syndrome when her daughter left for school. "I had written a five-year plan for my professional life so that when she left for college, I would be able to take advantage of the freedom of the empty nest." What Pegina didn't count on was how hard it would be for her to let go. She soon found herself over-parenting from afar.

"I struggled when I received the phone calls about the nightmare roommate, the way she perceived people treating her and how difficult it was for her to get help for her emotional distress," she recalls. "Super Mom took over: I called her resident advisor, the dorm direction, the first-year dean. I had always prided myself on raising independent kids. For years I looked forward to my freedom, then look at me!"

Pegina pushed past her 'helicopter parent' status by putting things in perspective. "Understand that your child will cry, whine, suffer and grow." Rediscovering yourself and reconnecting with your spouse definitely helps. "Identify your own dreams and go after them. In Pegina's case, it was taking up swimming, adding sightseeing tours to her business trips, and taking classes with her husband.

Ditch the "Mom" label

According to Baker, one of the best methods to deal with empty-nest syndrome is to "re-label" yourself. "You've been consumed with being a 'parent.' Now you can re-connect as a 'spouse,' re-engage as a 'friend,' reinvigorate your career as a 'professional.'"

Marsha Sims, a single mom with three sons in college, started to look for things she enjoyed outside of children, specifically goals she'd buried from the before-the-kids days. "I always wished I knew how to dance, I wanted to continue piano lessons, and I wanted to learn how to cook better. Now that my sons are all grown, I dance three to four nights a week, practice the piano daily, and took some raw food preparation classes."

Silvana Clark and her husband, whose 18-year-old daughter is heading to Baylor University this fall, plan to cope with empty nest by running away, RV and all. "We love traveling, so we'll simply travel full time for the next few years. We're going to rent out our house and simply hit the road. There's really nothing to hold us in this community where we've lived for 25 years. Our daughter can track us down wherever we are in the country during her breaks."

A digital hug

Many parents have turned gone digital to rid themselves of impending empty-nest depression. For Mary McPhail whose daughter Mackenzie just finished her freshman year at Emerson College in Boston. Mass., iChat was a techno-blessing. "Even though we were 1,000 miles away, I could 'see' my daughter in her dorm room and with her friends, check out her new haircut, see her finished school projects, and assess her mood. Seeing each other is key to not missing each other (too much, anyway)."

Margaret King, who has two daughters at colleges more than two hours away, chuckles at the term 'empty nest.' "At first I thought that I would really miss them, but with cell phones, text messaging and email, who knew they were gone?!" she exclaims. "Really, I did miss them, but we did develop a new kind of relationship with our children." Margaret and her husband now look forward to September when they are free to do what they want, when they want. "Don't get me wrong, we love our children and they are our first priority, but they need to make their own mark on the world."

Comments

Comments on "How to cope when your child goes away to college"

The hardest part for me has been the fact that the time is here... it's time for my youngest to leave the nest. It has always been something so far out in the future and something that is years away. And now I am having to deal with it. Can't believe how fast time has flown by. My baby is leaving across the state more than 6 hours away and I am heartbroken. I can't even seem to make plans because nothing sounds as fulfilling as taking care of my own son. It is going to be so quiet and boring without him here and without the chaos and commotion that having a highschooler brings. It is worse than I thought it was going to be and he isn't even gone yet. I cannot even imagine the day we drop him off and coming home to an empty house. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with it? Is it better to stay so busy you don't have time to grieve, or is it better to get it all out and cry til there's no more tears? How does anyone find things to do that have meaning? Geez I'm already dreading that awful day when he leaves.

My oldest leaves for college in a few months. I can't imagine how much I will miss him. But, he's self-reliant, independent and smart. I'm sure he'll do better than I will.

My son left the first of September to go to school 3 hrs away. I was so busy planning my mom and dad's 60th wedding anniversary celebration I didn't miss him so much. I was going all out for my parents milestone anniversary and was featuring a movie of their life so I was really busy. The party was the first week of December and was a huge success. I saw my son over the break and now that he's gone back to school and the party is over with, I miss him so much. He's my only child and I am divorced and not in a relationship. And to make matters worse I have 5 cats. Now I feel like the old cat lady alone with only the love of her cats. lol I am sure I will feel better soon. The point I was trying to make is to be busy doing something you love, maybe something you used to love but gave up when you first had kids, like skiing for example. And you can always volunteer. I think now is the time to meet the man of my dreams:)

Where has the time went? Both my children grew up so quickly and now are both beginning a new phase of their lives. My son is in his third year and daughter leaving in a few days. Empty nest is just about here and I have mixed emotions. Sure I want them to grow and develope into successful human beings but a part of me doesn't want them to leave. My heart is broken but don't want to be selfish and tell them how I feel. I am only wishing that time will help heal my broken heart and make our family stronger when they are home.

my son just left for law school today. i have been a basket case all day and trying so hard not to let him see that i am so upset. he has gone away to school for the past 4 years but he was only 45 mins away. This school is 3 hours away. My other daughter who is 20 also left for school on friday, my 25 year old, who is a teacher got her own place last may. I still have my youngest home, she is 15 and going to be a sophmore but I am having an awful time dealing with the rest of them leaving. I have been crying all day and saying good bye to him was the worse. I tried not to let him see me cry and told him I would be better once he left and that it was just the good bye that was bad but I haven't stopped crying since. How do I ever get over missing them? I am a divorced mom and they are my life.

There is a silver lining and it is called..time. You have time for you and your husband. A GOOD thing. But that being said the SAD of LOSS for the old crazy life when everyone was at home NEVER goes away..You just get busy (hopefully) and ignore it much of the time. I have three children ..two married and on their own with children and thankfully one still in college ..a boy. He is my hope. The other two are near..but VERY wrapped up in their own lives..as should be. But it makes me feel sad. The last one seems more concerned about his parents, now...but he is not married. I am enjoying it while I have it. Transitions from Mommy to not-needed-Mommy are hard. I wish someone had handed me a pay book years ago. So I think..after all these years....my oldest left home in 1992....it is just a one day at a time thing....some good..and some bad. BUSY is the KEY.

My heart hurts!! My youngest of four and only girl goes to college this week. We are so close....and I know will continue to be, but everything will change. I know in my head it is supposed to, but my heart still hurts.

I am so relieved to read these posts because I thought it was just me who behaved like this. I'm in UK and my son (14) has gone abroad with his father and wife for a holiday and I am so bereaved I can barely see to type. The agony of his departure is unbearable and he is only gone for 2 weeks! Wait for me to return when he starts college!

My daughter will be leaving in August for college. She seems alot more ready for this than I am. I tried to talk her into staying a year hear and going to a nearby college, but she said if she did that she would never leave. I don't like driving the highways, so I'm concerned how often I will actually be able to see her. I plan on getting a web-cam so I can see her while we talk. This house is going to be empty and making it through the day (nights too) are going to be a big challenge. I've forgotten what my intrests are so I feel lost. I hope that after awhile, I start to see the "positive" in all of this and that there is actually a future that I'm interested in.

My daughter graduates from High School in about a week and will go off to college over 10 1/2 hours away. I have been crying myself to sleep the last week just thinking about her leaving. I dont know how i am going to deal with her being away. I have always been a very over protected mom and she has never been away from me longer then 5 days in the 18 years. i wish i knew how to cope with us!

Wow! I can relate with each statement. I am so close with my son and in 1 1/2 months he is leaving for college and I feel as if I lost my best friend. Fortuantely he is only going to be one hour and 45 minutes away - that's not the point. It is scary watching them go into the world - it hurts when I see him get hurt from life mistakes. Last night I cried myself to sleep! It's driving me nuts that he is going away yet this is what I prepped him for. The last year I haven't seen him much but just knowing he is my house is and in his bed gives me a safe and secure feeling for him. I don't know how I am going to get through this.

I had my first son leave for college 3 1/2 years ago. I STILL cry like a baby when he leaves the driveway! Once he is off, its not so bad. Now my middle son left for college this fall. At first, I was ok because he has friends there and he goes to my old college. Now, I am sad a whole day before they leave....just dreading when they drive down the driveway to school. I still have my youngest son at home, and I CAN"T imagine the day he leaves which will be next fall!!! How do I STOP being so depressed?

Well, this is an old article but I am going through this now. Not only that but, I'm in Canada and my son took of for university in Singapore! It's SO far! I really miss the activity in my home, having his friends over here, the family time. It seems like such a huge shift and I wasn't prepared for it. I knew it would bring a "change" but, just didn't realize how big of a change it truly is. This is painful and not only that you sort of expect them to be a lot more independent but, they are at an age when friends are all important. I don't hear from him as often as I thought I would. :( I remember how I felt at that age too and now wish I'd paid more attention to my mother! I can rearrange my life of course, it's just that being a parent is SO all encompassing. there's nothing that quite demands as much of you nor gives you the amount of interaction, love and satisfaction. Those days are gone...I worry about so many things. He has a girlfriend there and she's a wonderful girl but, what if they decide to live there for years and years. She has finished school and has a job there..bah..I'm not getting any younger and feel I am going to miss out on so much with him so far away. This transition is lonely, painful and sometimes I feel like an old shoe that's been cast aside. I'll admit I am torn. I am very proud of how independent he is, he's become fluent in Mandarin while away..but, it hurts too that he chose a place so far from home. I'm just feeling sorry for myself..haha. I was uber mom. Volunteered in all the schools, did everything I could and loved being a mother more than anything else I'd ever done. I'm thinking of taking an exchange student into our home just to have some young person noise around here and to be able to interact more with younger folks which I enjoy. I'm sure some parents far across the sea would be comforted to know their young person was housed with me while THEY attend uni here in Canada. It's not a replacement by any means. Just something that would enliven our home some. I lost my mother this year so I'm sure that's partly why having my son go away so far to school at the same time is hitting harder. My son is happy, enjoying school and I don't want to tell him sad sack mom is missing him so badly so I just keep this to myself and try to sound cheerful. Nothing is worse than mom dumping her feelings on a young person just learning to fly. I'm still crossing fingers that he will not end up living there for too many years. As Joan Baez said in one of her songs "And if I'm worth a mother's salt I'll wave as you go by." I'll do it but, I don't have to always like it.

It's been 1 week and 1 day now...like Amanda I feel like someone died. It's awful terrible pain..I have been taking it day by day...actually minute by minute since my last post...it is not getting better. I hoped it would. And now I'm hearing it's been 6 weeks...Lord give me strength, Don't know if I can do it. It's affecting my entire life. I'm so sorry for all experiencing this...but now I know I'm not alone.

Does it ever stop feeling like someone died? I feel like I am grieving as hard as I would if he actually died. My son is at college 16 hours away and has been there for six weeks. Today is a really bad day. I can't stop crying. The worst part is he alternately loves it at school, and texts me saying he wants to come home. It just kills me. We are very very close, but I am trying to let him have his independence. I don't want him to think I don't miss him and love him, so I'm walking that tight rope between texting him several times a day and letting several days go by with no contact. This is seriously killing me. My relationship with my husband was not great before, now it's worse. I also have a 16 year old daughter and now I'm dreading the day she leaves. This is awful.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My daughter, my friend left last week, I miss her so much. I was so excited for her but now it's just pain for me. I hope and I pray everyday that the emptiness I feel inside gets better. I know it will, but for now it's unbearable. I am so glad I found this site..knowing that it's not just me.

Just dropped my son off and it feels like my heart will burst, i will take it moment by moment, no other way to do it i guess, nice to know i'm not alone. Another hurting father...

My son left for college almost a month ago. The one he is at starts early, and the freshman had a week of events, which was really nice for them. I'm trying not to bother him a lot, but my heart is breaking. Sometimes, I'm better, but today was a hard day. I've been a mom so long, I don't even remember what I wanted to do or be interested in. I worked at home the whole time, but my real focus and primary motive was raising kids. My husband wasn't much help, and at times I thought I'd go crazy. But now, they're both gone, and I'm struggling. I'm involved at church, but it's not the same. Nothing's the same. I'm very proud to say my son is adjusting well, making friends and good decisions. Now, I just have to figure out who I am. I never really thought about me before. I didn't really matter - it was all for them. I can really relate to Shawn and Joe's comments - it does hurt a lot. Laura

Sam left today for the wild blue yonder of adulthood and college. Yes, I raised him for this and I'm proud of him but just haven't transitioned from being full-time CEO of his life to now Consultant Mom. Wasn't ready to give up my prime parking space in his life. Sent him off with the usual stuff ..along with a jar of his fav peanut butter (to remind him to feed his body well...and my favorite devotional...to remind him to feed his soul well.) Good to know that I'm in such good company while I work through all the normal feelings I see described here today. Good to know that I'm not alone. Hugs to all parents experiencing the same thing today.

Both my kids left at once and I missed them terribly the first year! iChat and face time was a God send. It was hard to see them go through all the learning curves but we did and just listened and offered help when they asked. Mostly listened to tears and they learned to be problem silvers! The hardest part has been the marriage... All energy has gone to kids. I concentrated on going back to school and worked and got a promotion. Still need advice on resuming 22 year marriage ..... What now?