How to cope when your child goes away to college

Jul 11, 2008 10:05 AM by Gina LaGuardia

Posted in Living / School & Education / College

The Empty Nest

You've waited almost 18 years for this day. Your son or daughter is proudly off at college. You've been through the talk about independence, have ensured there's enough funds in her debit card account to start her off, and have unloaded your car of the extra-long twin sheets, flip-flops for the community showers, and the big-store-size bottle of aspirin.

The settling-into-college period was eventful, busy and a little chaotic, so much so that you hadn't had time to acknowledge the nagging pit in your stomach or the fact that you've been hallucinating about her riding a tricycle or losing her very first tooth for the past week now.

"Often change affects us emotionally, before we can handle it logically," explains John Baker, a leadership expert and author of the newly released book, READY Thinking - Primed For Change. "Recognize that you will need some time." Baker's advice is to let the emotions flow - express what you're feeling, and surround yourself with support: family, friends, perhaps someone who is experiencing a similar event with the departure of their child. And when those waves of nostalgia wash over you? "Take solace in the future changes you will experience in you child's life and how the miracle of growth will continue," he says.

Hovering over the (empty) nest?

Pegina Echevarria was shocked to feel inklings of empty-nest syndrome when her daughter left for school. "I had written a five-year plan for my professional life so that when she left for college, I would be able to take advantage of the freedom of the empty nest." What Pegina didn't count on was how hard it would be for her to let go. She soon found herself over-parenting from afar.

"I struggled when I received the phone calls about the nightmare roommate, the way she perceived people treating her and how difficult it was for her to get help for her emotional distress," she recalls. "Super Mom took over: I called her resident advisor, the dorm direction, the first-year dean. I had always prided myself on raising independent kids. For years I looked forward to my freedom, then look at me!"

Pegina pushed past her 'helicopter parent' status by putting things in perspective. "Understand that your child will cry, whine, suffer and grow." Rediscovering yourself and reconnecting with your spouse definitely helps. "Identify your own dreams and go after them. In Pegina's case, it was taking up swimming, adding sightseeing tours to her business trips, and taking classes with her husband.

Ditch the "Mom" label

According to Baker, one of the best methods to deal with empty-nest syndrome is to "re-label" yourself. "You've been consumed with being a 'parent.' Now you can re-connect as a 'spouse,' re-engage as a 'friend,' reinvigorate your career as a 'professional.'"

Marsha Sims, a single mom with three sons in college, started to look for things she enjoyed outside of children, specifically goals she'd buried from the before-the-kids days. "I always wished I knew how to dance, I wanted to continue piano lessons, and I wanted to learn how to cook better. Now that my sons are all grown, I dance three to four nights a week, practice the piano daily, and took some raw food preparation classes."

Silvana Clark and her husband, whose 18-year-old daughter is heading to Baylor University this fall, plan to cope with empty nest by running away, RV and all. "We love traveling, so we'll simply travel full time for the next few years. We're going to rent out our house and simply hit the road. There's really nothing to hold us in this community where we've lived for 25 years. Our daughter can track us down wherever we are in the country during her breaks."

A digital hug

Many parents have turned gone digital to rid themselves of impending empty-nest depression. For Mary McPhail whose daughter Mackenzie just finished her freshman year at Emerson College in Boston. Mass., iChat was a techno-blessing. "Even though we were 1,000 miles away, I could 'see' my daughter in her dorm room and with her friends, check out her new haircut, see her finished school projects, and assess her mood. Seeing each other is key to not missing each other (too much, anyway)."

Margaret King, who has two daughters at colleges more than two hours away, chuckles at the term 'empty nest.' "At first I thought that I would really miss them, but with cell phones, text messaging and email, who knew they were gone?!" she exclaims. "Really, I did miss them, but we did develop a new kind of relationship with our children." Margaret and her husband now look forward to September when they are free to do what they want, when they want. "Don't get me wrong, we love our children and they are our first priority, but they need to make their own mark on the world."

Comments

Comments on "How to cope when your child goes away to college"

Well, this is an old article but I am going through this now. Not only that but, I'm in Canada and my son took of for university in Singapore! It's SO far! I really miss the activity in my home, having his friends over here, the family time. It seems like such a huge shift and I wasn't prepared for it. I knew it would bring a "change" but, just didn't realize how big of a change it truly is. This is painful and not only that you sort of expect them to be a lot more independent but, they are at an age when friends are all important. I don't hear from him as often as I thought I would. :( I remember how I felt at that age too and now wish I'd paid more attention to my mother! I can rearrange my life of course, it's just that being a parent is SO all encompassing. there's nothing that quite demands as much of you nor gives you the amount of interaction, love and satisfaction. Those days are gone...I worry about so many things. He has a girlfriend there and she's a wonderful girl but, what if they decide to live there for years and years. She has finished school and has a job there..bah..I'm not getting any younger and feel I am going to miss out on so much with him so far away. This transition is lonely, painful and sometimes I feel like an old shoe that's been cast aside. I'll admit I am torn. I am very proud of how independent he is, he's become fluent in Mandarin while away..but, it hurts too that he chose a place so far from home. I'm just feeling sorry for myself..haha. I was uber mom. Volunteered in all the schools, did everything I could and loved being a mother more than anything else I'd ever done. I'm thinking of taking an exchange student into our home just to have some young person noise around here and to be able to interact more with younger folks which I enjoy. I'm sure some parents far across the sea would be comforted to know their young person was housed with me while THEY attend uni here in Canada. It's not a replacement by any means. Just something that would enliven our home some. I lost my mother this year so I'm sure that's partly why having my son go away so far to school at the same time is hitting harder. My son is happy, enjoying school and I don't want to tell him sad sack mom is missing him so badly so I just keep this to myself and try to sound cheerful. Nothing is worse than mom dumping her feelings on a young person just learning to fly. I'm still crossing fingers that he will not end up living there for too many years. As Joan Baez said in one of her songs "And if I'm worth a mother's salt I'll wave as you go by." I'll do it but, I don't have to always like it.

It's been 1 week and 1 day now...like Amanda I feel like someone died. It's awful terrible pain..I have been taking it day by day...actually minute by minute since my last post...it is not getting better. I hoped it would. And now I'm hearing it's been 6 weeks...Lord give me strength, Don't know if I can do it. It's affecting my entire life. I'm so sorry for all experiencing this...but now I know I'm not alone.

Does it ever stop feeling like someone died? I feel like I am grieving as hard as I would if he actually died. My son is at college 16 hours away and has been there for six weeks. Today is a really bad day. I can't stop crying. The worst part is he alternately loves it at school, and texts me saying he wants to come home. It just kills me. We are very very close, but I am trying to let him have his independence. I don't want him to think I don't miss him and love him, so I'm walking that tight rope between texting him several times a day and letting several days go by with no contact. This is seriously killing me. My relationship with my husband was not great before, now it's worse. I also have a 16 year old daughter and now I'm dreading the day she leaves. This is awful.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My daughter, my friend left last week, I miss her so much. I was so excited for her but now it's just pain for me. I hope and I pray everyday that the emptiness I feel inside gets better. I know it will, but for now it's unbearable. I am so glad I found this site..knowing that it's not just me.

Just dropped my son off and it feels like my heart will burst, i will take it moment by moment, no other way to do it i guess, nice to know i'm not alone. Another hurting father...

My son left for college almost a month ago. The one he is at starts early, and the freshman had a week of events, which was really nice for them. I'm trying not to bother him a lot, but my heart is breaking. Sometimes, I'm better, but today was a hard day. I've been a mom so long, I don't even remember what I wanted to do or be interested in. I worked at home the whole time, but my real focus and primary motive was raising kids. My husband wasn't much help, and at times I thought I'd go crazy. But now, they're both gone, and I'm struggling. I'm involved at church, but it's not the same. Nothing's the same. I'm very proud to say my son is adjusting well, making friends and good decisions. Now, I just have to figure out who I am. I never really thought about me before. I didn't really matter - it was all for them. I can really relate to Shawn and Joe's comments - it does hurt a lot. Laura

Sam left today for the wild blue yonder of adulthood and college. Yes, I raised him for this and I'm proud of him but just haven't transitioned from being full-time CEO of his life to now Consultant Mom. Wasn't ready to give up my prime parking space in his life. Sent him off with the usual stuff ..along with a jar of his fav peanut butter (to remind him to feed his body well...and my favorite devotional...to remind him to feed his soul well.) Good to know that I'm in such good company while I work through all the normal feelings I see described here today. Good to know that I'm not alone. Hugs to all parents experiencing the same thing today.

Both my kids left at once and I missed them terribly the first year! iChat and face time was a God send. It was hard to see them go through all the learning curves but we did and just listened and offered help when they asked. Mostly listened to tears and they learned to be problem silvers! The hardest part has been the marriage... All energy has gone to kids. I concentrated on going back to school and worked and got a promotion. Still need advice on resuming 22 year marriage ..... What now?

I'm leaving for ALA. to take my daughter to her new school 12 hours away,can't stop thinking of how awful this is. I'm getting no sleep dreading all of life's encounter's. She is getting no sleep bc of all the excitment. My grandma said "you give them roots, you give them wings" I'm going to do some of the suggested items like no longer being the concerned seahag mom!!

My son will be off to university three weeks from now. It's tough to go through.. I am so proud of him but also will miss him incredibly. It does feel like a part of your soul is gone.. He will be three provinces away from here... yikes.. Nice to know there are other's I can relate to on here..

I am a single mom soon to be an empty nester. Sending my daughter off to college. Even when I think about it, I cry. I am wondering how I am going to make it through this adjustment. Reading books about it, talking to friends, but it is going to be so difficult. So extremely lonely in my home. Gosh....this is terrible. But you want them to be happy and to grown...so you have to make it some way.

I am dreading my son't August departure date. He won't be far away but I beside myself. My son had brain surgeries eight years ago for a brain tumor. He has been fine but we had several years of recovery and he is at a good point now. I am afraid of something happening while he is gone. At least I think this is why I am having such a difficult time. I have an older daughter, went off to college, completed grad school and married. I will still have two daughters at home. Praying I get through this and I don't become and overbearing helicopter parent with him.

My son has been thru Airforce basic training and is now in his tech training...al out of state. He is such a sweet boy, almost 19 and I always wanted him to be independent and confident. But, now I miss him dearly. When I text him, his answers are two-word sentences usually. I get the hint: He needs this space to grow and develop. I get it all. It doesn't make it any easier for me because my new role doesn't come so naturally as his does. His is a gain, mine feels like such a loss. Then I make myself step away from my emotions and know, no matter what, I pushed him to be where he is, he's happy, all is well and I just need to chill for a while and give him space. I texted him today snd told him, I don't expect him to respond to all my texts, but I'm his mom and that will never change.

I went through the same thing with my 18 year old, only child daughter this past Fall and now it's near the end of her freshmen year and our relationship is strained. She doesn't call me, I have to call her. We argue about grades, dating, and her being focused. I've given her space but she seems to want more. I'm curious to know if this is normal because it's not at all what I expected from this new phase of our lives. I pray for her and our relationship everyday. There has to be a silver lining in this cloud somewhere, someday.

As a single mom raising my only child for almost 19 yrs hurts, too. Her dad came along (we always were civil), & all of a sudden, he's the best. I've become the "nag" vs the concerned about everything parent. It takes sooooo much to step back & not text/call. The one call I got was to send more clothes & a pair of shoes. It hurts more when she doesn't "talk" to me...just the "yup", "just hanging out". No excitement in her voice. I guess I just got to pray that how I raised her will kick in somewhere/time. It's only been four days & her first day is tomorrow. Dear Lord, give me strength to just trust & believe in her and just wait to hear from her. Totally agree...it hurts.

I am also a hurting father. Your post touched me since its so similar to my own experience. I just dropped my oldest son off 3 days ago. I am going through waves of grief. It will be very hard for awhile then I manage to distract myself and it fades for awhile. Then I feel guilty for distracting myself. Like my suffering is some kind of testament to my love or something. All the while Alex is enjoying his new dorm life and settling in very well. I want to call him but I know I will choke up and dont want to hit him with that. I just feel so alone and empty. This sucks.

It sucks to let go of your child when they are off to college:( it feels like you have lost a part of your soul! I miss my boy so so much, especially his siblings. I am just trying to deal with it and excepting this is the best for him. All I can say is May the Lord guide him and protect him in his next stage of his life. Hurting father Joe