Peg, a social worker from Adult Protective Services, came to initiate an investigation. Amy agreed that she was in danger, and asked Peg to help her and the children get to a shelter. She was open to any service Peg had to offer. When asked if she wanted Robert to be interviewed regarding the incident, Amy declined, saying that it would only make matters worse. Robert was furious about being in jail, and she feared retaliation. She said she didn't want to see her husband again and was willing to get a restraining order.
Peg checked the court records and discovered that the judge had not ordered him into anger management counseling or a batterer's group. Not unusual in a small town. Together, Peg and the shelter counselor coordinated services to help Amy become independent. She received individual counseling, entered a support group, got a job, housing and a car. The children adjusted well to daycare.
But six months later, after the Adult Protection case was closed, Peg learned that Amy and Robert had reconciled. Despite the physical and emotional damage and even gaining independence, many battered women return to the abuser.
There are a myriad of services and programs for the victim of domestic violence. And rightly so. They are the recipients of abuse, domination, and manipulation. But all the services in the world are useless to a battered woman who decides to stay with her abusive husband if he doesn't receive attention and intervention as well.
Sometimes, to help the victim, we must help the abuser, because domestic violence is a deadly dance that can't be stopped unless both partners are willing to seek and accept help. Alone, a restraining order and incarceration does little to help the victim. Those are only temporary solutions to a problem that requires so much more.
Note: Women are batterers, too, but because the overwhelming number of domestic violence victims are women, we will focus on the male batterer.
This may sound like a question with an obvious answer, but battery encompasses more than just physical harm; battery also includes mental and emotional forms of domestic abuse.
If you aren't sure if someone is being abused, ask yourself:
Domestic violence doesn't discriminate. Batterers are doctors, lawyers, teachers, therapists, convenience store clerks, mechanics and coaches. Their actions are rooted in the psychodynamics of domestic violence patterns observed and learned in childhood. While most batters appear to be aggressive on the outside, it is frequently a mask for the passive, powerless, manipulated, abused victim on the inside. They lack the assertiveness needed to communicate in everyday relationships with significant others, and resort to domination to maintain a sense of control over the immediate environment and the people in it. Batterers express at home what they are unable to express in public.
If answering the questions above still have you questioning whether or not someone is a batterer, here are common characteristics of someone who abuses:
Most men who batter have been exposed to domestic violence as children. They are often victims of child abuse. They have watched their fathers abuse their mothers and have observed their mothers accepting and enduring it. They have learned to express powerful emotions in destructive ways. They are driven by a need for dominance. As adults, they repeat the patterns learned in childhood.
Learned behavior can be unlearned. Today, more and more services are geared to both victim and batterer. Education is the key to helping the batterer. Males are reluctant to admit that they need help. They still hold to -- and practice -- the belief of a male-dominant society. They behave as the stereotypical macho male.
We should breathe a sigh of relief that more and more judges are ordering abusers into counseling and batterers' groups. With women and men both working toward safety and a non-violent relationships, we can't go anywhere else but up. Counseling and intervention strategies for the batterer centers around the patterns of domestic violence, and calls for him to accept responsibility for his behavior. He is taught new and different ways of handling powerful emotions.
The following resources offer information and help:
The sooner and better batterers receive help to change their destructive behavior, the sooner domestic violence rates will drop.
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