When a relationship ends badly, many will search for answers and painstakingly dig for a reason it happened. But after the tears have been cried and we can really look back at that failed relationship with a clear head, it’s easier to understand that the red flags were probably there all along but were either ignored or justified, which never leads to anything good. So, if you are noticing any of these sometimes subtle yet important red flags in your relationship, it may be time to get out now.
In other words, they’re rushing you into a relationship. “That's a red flag,” says Karen Salmansohn, a life coach and author of Prince Harming Syndrome. “Often, people who rush you into a relationship are not fueled by sheer almighty desire for you, but fueled by their need to control you and not give you time or mental space to think clearly.” They go from being a jackpot partner to a jackass partner very quickly. “You [have] got to get to know who someone is so you don’t fall in love with the idea of them, but the actual them.”
When looking for love, it’s very appealing when you see at least one “very” in your partner. For example, they’re very smart, or very hardworking or very supportive, etc. “Although finding one very in your partner is very good, when you spot a 'two-very' aspect in someone, this can be a very big red flag,” explains Salmansohn. “Like, your partner is 'very, very' extravagantly generous with spending money on you — this might be a sign that they are 'very, very' eager to try to buy your love.” Anytime someone is very, very extreme in something, they are not operating from a place of true inner balance and might have some emotional issues or lack of strong character.
Has your new partner ever been in a serious committed relationship before or is their longest relationship three months? Professional matchmaker and founder of Wise Matchmaking Brooke Wise says these are some questions to consider. “This could be a red flag. It doesn’t mean that his/her first serious relationship can’t be their wife or husband, but the odds are not in your favor.” Especially if your new partner is in their late 30s or 40s. Of course, there are legit reasons they may not have been in a serious relationship. For example, they traveled or lived overseas for a long time. If that’s not the case, they could just be a forever bachelor or bachelorette.
Being friends with an ex is completely fine. But sometimes, it's a sign that they're not ready for a new relationship. So, what do you look for? Well, it’s not about how much they communicate with their ex, it’s how they communicate. “If he/she fights with them, becomes obsessed with the back and forth, can’t seem to stop texting nasty messages, and goes on and on about what a crazy, nasty, selfish [expletive] they are, it might be less about the ex and more about your partner,” says Laurel House, a dating and relationship expert. This can be a huge red flag because they clearly haven’t fully moved on.
On your first date, do they order one, two, three too many drinks? “It’s one thing to be nervous and need to take the edge off. It’s another thing to get wasted. Make sure that you are able to have sober dates too,” says House. “Dating isn’t just about having fun, it’s about seeing the reality of what life looks like together. And having fun and drinking all of the time isn’t a healthy reality.”
“Manipulators start off by impressing women with extravagant outings, flowers and/or flattery. One to three months into the relationship, they have a plethora of excuses for no longer being generous and suddenly, they’re claiming to have hardships,” says relationship expert and best-selling author, Mary “HoneyB” Morrison. By this time, they’ve won your heart, and you might start sponsoring those date nights and everything they did in the beginning. “This type of person is seeking financial convenience and perhaps refuge.”
If your new partner doesn’t open up about their past, refuses to go deep and talk about real things, they may fear or avoid intimacy. “He/she may not be ready or willing to open their heart. He/she may still be hurting from a relationship in the past or may not have done the work to move on from their last love,” says House. This is a red flag because if they can’t open their heart, they won’t stick around.
Especially those in the service industry, like servers, the valet, etc. “This could be a warning sign that this lack of manners or respect isn’t an isolated issue,” says Wise. They might have an ideal that they’re entitled or superior, and in time, this attitude may transmit onto you, your family and your friends, so make sure you’re paying attention to how they interact with others.
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