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The first GOP debate of 2016, as told by a Democrat

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer whose work has appeared on Time.com, Brain, Mother, The Rumpus, Scary Mommy and Narratively, among others.

A liberal's feverish dream re-telling the GOP debate

Happy first debate of the new year! It's another evening of... these guys. So have a seat, grab your chips, and I'll take you through the big moments as I saw them. 

(Neil Cavuto is dressed like an American flag. We're off to a good start.)

Moderator: Let's start by talking about jobs.

Cruz: I'd love to talk about those, but I'd rather talk about the image of American sailors on their knees after they were captured by Iranian forces. The president didn't even mention them in the State of the Union. When I'm president, no service man or woman will ever kneel unless they're on a date with Donald Trump's mom.

Christie: Yeah, the president acted like the world is great when in fact we are all burning and on a collision course with doom.

More: Dr. King’s ‘I have a dream’ speech nails our current political climate

Bush: Totally. We are living in a world of shit.

Moderator: How do we attack ISIS, which is a network, and not a country?

Carson: Let me paint a picture for you: ISIS cuts off our electrical grid, conducts a cyber-attack and sets off dirty bombs. Can you even imagine? It would be chaos. Thank you.

Moderator: In the State of the Union, President Obama introduced a refugee like he was a human being. What do you think about that?

Trump: That one "human being" is not representative. They are sending over young, virile, powerful men, not women and children. Look at what that married couple did in California — they killed 14, probably soon to be 16 people.

(Everyone wounded in that attack had better lock their doors tonight. Trump knows something.)

Moderator: Mr. Cruz, how do you explain a recent article in The New York Times that says you didn't disclose a large donation from Goldman Sachs?

Cruz: Well, Maria, that is easily explained. You see, I needed the money.

More: What answers does Donald Trump owe women?

Moderator: How about Trump's claim that you are not qualified to be president because you were born in Canada?

Cruz: The birth issue is invalid. If the standard is that not only do you need to be born on American soil, but both your parents have to be as well, then Donald Trump wouldn't be qualified either because his mother was born in Scotland.

(That's a right burn, laddie.)

Trump: If he becomes the nominee, the Democrats will sue because there is that question mark about whether or not he is qualified to be president. He needs to prove it through the courts. He owes it to the party. Facts are for wimps.

Moderator: Governor Haley of South Carolina, in her response to the State of the Union, said that we should resist the call of angry voices. She was talking about you.

Trump: I am angry. Our country is the moldy end of a banana festering at the bottom of a trash can at Disney World that gets eaten by one of those feral cats that lives at the park and then pooped out next to Splash Mountain.

Bush: I think we need to focus on the fact that it doesn't matter who is nominated; we all have to vote for the Republican. Any one of us would be better than Hillary but especially me.

Carson: Right? If a progressive gets in the White House, this country is over. Over.

Moderator: Kasich, what do you think about the fact that Bernie Sanders, a socialist who loves taxes, could be the Democratic nominee for president?

Kasich: I know Bernie, and trust me, he will never be president of the United States; that guy eats soup with a fork if you know what I mean. No offense, Bernie.

Moderator: Is Bill Clinton's past an issue in this election?

Carson: Absolutely. Whatever happened to standards of behavior in this country? I mean, have you read the comments section of any online article? We need to stand up for what's right and wrong, and the spouse of someone running for president is fair game. Except for ours. And also, maybe we should ignore the philandering part. I'm just saying.

Moderator: Let's talk about guns. What is the harm in tightening the standards of who buys and sells guns?

Bush: We don't need to create more laws, we need to enforce the ones we have.

Moderator: Trump, do you believe in any kind of gun regulation?

Trump: Nope. Give them all guns. Gun gun gun, gunny gun gun. People pull triggers, not guns. Protect the second amendment. Shoot shoot shoot, pew pew pew.

More: Donald Trump is winning... at being compared to the worst things ever

Rubio: The second amendment is not a suggestion or an option — it's a constitutional right. I think Obama would take all of our guns and get rid of the second amendment. That wouldn't help, because you know who doesn't go to gun shows? ISIS.

Moderator: Do you have any proof that he wants to take away everyone's guns?

Rubio: Oh, sure. Look, this is Obama: "Hey guys, I want to take away everyone's guns. I can't wait to get rid of all those guns." He says it all the time.

Moderator: Really?

Rubio: Yes.

Moderator: Okey-doke.

Christie: I hope Obama is watching because he should know that he is a petulant child and we are going to kick his booty out of the White House.

Cruz: THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS!

Moderator: Cruz, you said that Trump embodies "New York values." What are "New York values?"

Cruz: Everybody knows what New York values are.

Moderator: I'm from New York, and I don't know.

Cruz: Well, if you're from New York, then maybe you wouldn't know. Trust me, they rest of us know.

Trump: You know what, Ted? 9/11.

Cruz: Good point.

Moderator: Let's talk ISIS so everyone gets a chance to flop down their respective balls. How do we get rid of ISIS?

Carson: Bomb them. I know they say, "Oh, don't bomb that truck because there might be people in it." So what?! If you don't want people bombed, don't put them in trucks!

Moderator: Trump, do you still think we should ban all Muslims?

Trump: Yes. We need to stop being politically correct and start being racist.

Bush: You know that some of our allies are Muslim, right? Listen, I'm not saying that all the wonderful prospective voters who agree with Trump are as unhinged as he is, but we're talking about the job of president of the United States, here, not the manager of your local Sam's Club. I may have just made this worse.

Christie: You know who we should ban? Radical Islamic jihadists. When I'm president, there will be no bad guys coming into the United States.

Cruz: When I'm president, we will not accept refugees from countries controlled by ISIS. If they are trying to flee ISIS, then they can't come here. And we will destroy them. All of them. Now if you'll excuse me, I think someone just came in my pants.

Moderator: Let's talk about taxes. Anybody here going to raise them?

Candidates: No.

Moderator: Anybody going to increase spending?

Candidates: No.

Moderator: Great. Moving on.

Christie: Just one more thing — seniors. Look at me. Hillary Clinton is going to raise social security tax and leave you homeless and starving.

(It's 7:57. It doesn't look good for an 8:00 finish, folks.)

Moderator: What would you do to address the crime rate and the fact that cops feel unsupported?

(PROTESTERS!! They're yelling, "Need more bread!" No, that doesn't seem right. Damn. Sorry, protesters.)

I apologize, folks, but after all these debates I have found that two hours is the most my soul can stand. After that, all I can do is look at them and hiss, and that is bad for writing. So I'm calling it a night now.

More: 5 Things parents must do if they own guns

The Democratic debate coming up on the 17th. Should be a well, behaved, soundly-reasoned snooze fest.

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