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A liberal Democrat reenacts the fifth GOP debate

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer whose work has appeared on Time.com, Brain, Mother, The Rumpus, Scary Mommy and Narratively, among others.

A (mostly) true recap of what went down during the fifth Republican debate

Welcome to the 52nd Republican presidential debate. Let's all take a Valium or two and float off into the great abyss that is wealthy white people yelling at each other about bombs and brown people. Here is how the debate sounded to this liberal Democrat.

Moderator: Welcome to the fifth Republican debate. This is the last debate before the election year. And there are still so many of them. Why are there so many of them? Let's have some opening statements, and talk a little about national security and such.

Paul: I just want to start by reminding everyone that recently Donald Trump said we should "close that Internet thing." Really, Mr. Trump? You mean, like North Korea?

Moderator: Shots fired, ladies and gentlemen. We are off and running. If we can get a Hitler reference, and the words "socialism" and "Benghazi," that will be Bingo for this debate.

Kasich: I asked my daughter if she liked politics, and she said, "No. There's too much fighting. It's too loud." I think my 37-year-old daughter is on to something.

Christie: All L.A. schools closed today because of a threat that originated in Germany. Tomorrow, all those kids might be dead. And that is Obama's fault because he can't keep our country safe from maladjusted German teenagers with bad complexions and Internet connections.

Fiorina: I have been tested. I have been a secretary. I've been called a bitch.

Jeb: I am nervous.

Rubio: I hate that these days you get called a bigot just for holding on to conservative values like hating black people.

Cruz: If I am elected president, we will hunt down and kill the terrorists. Problem solved.

Carson: I'm gonna double-down on the pandering here and ask for a moment of silence for the victims of the San Bernardino shooting. Thank you. Now, let's get out there and declare war on ISIS.

Trump: I'm center stage because people really like me. And that's great. I'm really liked and respected. Thank you.

Moderator: Mr. Trump, you recently suggested banning all Muslims from entering the United States. You also want to deport 11 million illegal immigrants. Is isolation the way to make America great again?

Trump: This is about security. I'll build a great wall. And all those people with ISIS cell phones? No way.

Moderator: Bush, you've called Trump "unhinged." Why is that, other than everything we have already heard tonight?

Bush: Because his ideas are f***ing nonsense. It would be f***ing chaos.

Trump: Jeb doesn't really believe that.

Moderator: Rubio, what do you think about banning Muslims from the United States?

Cruz: I mean, I get it....

Moderator: Fiorina?

Fiorina: We should look into technology. There's the iPhone, the iPad, the Snapchat, the Twitter....

Moderator: Jesus Bed-Wetting Christ, will any of you say that Trump's idea is wrong and racist?

Christie: 9/11.

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Moderator: This brings up the question of security versus privacy. Cruz, you voted with Obama to make it harder for the government to access phone records.

Rubio: I voted against it because I want all the records.

Paul: Marco is all like, "I'm brave and strong" when really he is all, "No I'm not."

Christie: I'm gonna get uncomfortable and talk into the camera to all the people watching at home. Guys, can you believe this? This is nuts. And let me tell you something — 9/11.

Moderator: Carson, you're in favor of monitoring mosques and schools if there is found to be "anti-American sentiment" there. What does that mean?

Carson: I don't care where it is — a mosque, a school or a movie theater — we need to keep America safe. People are worried about being called anti-Muslim. I say, "So what?" I want cops in every Applebee's, Safeway and American Girl store in the country.

Trump: What I want to do is get smart tech people to stop ISIS from doing what they're doing on the interwebs.

Kasich: We need to be able to penetrate these people.

(Sorry, he talked for a while and that was the only part I heard.)

Moderator: Cruz, you said you would carpet bomb ISIS and, "See if sand can glow." Is that really what you meant, even though many civilians would be killed in that kind of attack?

Cruz: Ha ha! Yes, that's what I meant. Political correctness is the problem these days. We're too nice. You know what's not politically correct or nice? Murdering innocent children. Cruz 2016!

Moderator: So you would carpet bomb a city filled with civilians?

Cruz: Well, I mean, not a city. You would carpet bomb where ISIS is. We would, you know, target them. We would look around and find the spot where all the ISIS is, and then we would bomb the hell out of it.

Moderator: A person from Facebook wants to ask Mr. Trump if he really thinks we should kill the family members of terrorists.

Trump: We need to be tougher. Trust me, those families know what's going on. They know.

Bush: This is another example of his lack of seriousness. That's not a solution.

Trump: Jeb is a very nice person, but what we need in a president is toughness and indiscriminate violence.

Bush: Donald, you're not going to be able to insult your way to the White House.

(Let's pause to give Jeb Bush one of his awkward high fives.)

Moderator: Carson, you're a very nice man. We're talking about ugly things, here. Could you order carpet bombs that would cause the deaths of civilians?

Carson: Wolf, you should see the eyes of those kids when I tell them I'm going to open up their head and pull out a tumor. Sometimes you have to do things that people don't like.

Paul: I am digging this action, so let's talk some more about whether or not Trump is a serious candidate. If you are for closing down the Internet, then you're against freedom of speech. If you want to kill the families of terrorists, then we need to drop out of the Geneva Convention. If you support Trump, can you really support the Constitution? And you f***ers know how much you love the Constitution.

More: A Democrat's hilarious reenactment of the second GOP debate

Trump: Oh, I see. So they can kill us but we can't kill them? Please.

Moderator: Cruz, would you rather preserve dictatorships than promote democracy?

Cruz: Yeah, some of those dictators aren't very nice, but let's not be pansies promoting democracy. Let's kill ISIS. I really, really, really want to kill all of the ISIS. Every single ISIS in their little ISIS homes, which are of course conveniently located somewhere I can carpet bomb them without killing any innocent people. I like to imagine ISIS on one of those uncharted islands that that they have claimed for their evil purposes. It almost definitely has a volcano, and their headquarters will be built inside of that volcano. So once we blow up the volcano, we're good to go.

Moderator: Trump, is America safer with dictators leading in the Middle East?

Trump: In my opinion... in my opinion this was not a question that we practiced for so I am just going to say it's a mess and killing is bad.

Fiorina: Huh. That's exactly what Obama said. I'm amazed to hear that from a Republican candidate for president. And by the way, Benghazi.

(You guys, we are so close to Bingo. Hang onto your cards.)

Paul: Listen, we don't want to be like, "Oh, let's spread democracy and everyone will love us," when really it's like, "No, that wouldn't really happen."

Kasich: I want to punch Russia in the nose.

Christie: I want a no-fly zone and I will shoot down Russian planes.

Paul: The kind of person who spouts off about shooting down Russian planes is the kind of person who shuts down a bridge because they don't like someone.

(OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SNAP.)

Moderator: Rubio, do you still support a path to citizenship for immigrants?

Rubio: Yes. I'm an immigrant. Pretty much everyone I know is an immigrant. After a long process, I believe that people should be able to apply for green cards.

Cruz: Wrong.

Rubio: Right.

Cruz: You're just trying to confuse things.

Rubio: Am not.

Fiorina: THIS IS WHY CHILDREN CRY AT NIGHT.

Moderator: Carson, you recently visited a Syrian refugee camp and said it was "really quite nice." Do you think those camps are the long-term answer?

Carson: I asked them what they want, and get this: They said they want to go back to their own homes. And here is the neatest part — I found this huge empty area with airstrips and hotels, and you could settle a lot of people there. All they need is some weaponry. Why don't people ever ask me for ideas?

More: The fourth GOP debate — through the eyes of a Republican

Moderator: We're going to take a break, but we are only just beginning.

Sorry? What do you mean, "We're only just beginning?" We're an hour and a half into this! OK. F*** this. I'll report in if anything interesting happens.

  • Interesting thing 1: Chris Christie thinks that if China launches a cyber attack against us, we should dig up all their embarrassing information and publicize it. So, get ready to learn about a lot of weird sex stuff.
  • Interesting thing 2: Trump promises that he won't run as an independent if he doesn't get the Republican nomination. I say wait until he gets the salty taste of failure in his mouth, then talk to me. Also, a spot on the ticket as vice president might be part of the deal for him. And can you think of anyone better to attend national funerals than Donald Trump? Yes, we all can.
  • That's it. Let's hope some of these guys drop out next year because this is exhausting.
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