I love infomercials. I find them downright delightful. They take everyday tasks like, let's say, breathing, and tell you it's hard and you shouldn't have to put up with that shit.
"Why deal with the hassle of breathing in and out all day long when the Breathomatic can do it for you?" And you think to yourself, "They're right! Man, am I a sucker. I'm gonna get one of those breathing machines for $19.95!"
In case you're one of those people who flips the channel when they come across an infomercial, here's a look at what you're missing:
I admit, I never thought that there might be an easier way to cook eggs. For most of my life, I've been scrambling them in a pan like a dummy. Well, forget all that. Thanks to Eggtastic, now I can microwave eggs in a cup, which sounds disgusting because it is. What's more, I can then wash my egg cup in the dishwasher, which means I'll have even more time to stand quietly in front of machines, wondering what I could be doing with these precious minutes I've saved. Thanks, Eggtastic, for giving me fewer reasons to avoid cleaning my bathroom.
2. Card Lock, because Grandma needs something else to panic about
My 71-year-old mother tells me she's been hacked at least twice a year. She cancels credit cards with what I would call alarming regularity. Card Lock is the solution to a problem I've never heard of that's sure to freak out seniors everywhere. In copy that was apparently written by my mom, the Card Lock site says, "Thieves can steal your banking information just by walking by... It's called skimming and it can happen anywhere to anyone." Then they talk about "high-tech frequency-blocking polymers," which I'm pretty sure is thesaurus talk for "thick fabric." Well, you might get my mother, Card Lock, but I'm going to keep living life on the edge with my debit card in my wallet inside my purse.
3. Yoshi grill mat, because people put shredded cheese on their grills
If you haven't seen the ads for the Yoshi Grill Mat, then I implore you to stop what you're doing and look it up. Have you ever tried to grill shredded cheese? Or put a fried egg on the grill? You haven't? Well, I'm glad to hear it. But there are people out there who are tired of not being able to grill minced onions, and for those people there's the Yoshi Grill Mat.
4. The Ab Rocket Twister, because 5 minutes is all I'm willing to give
Following in the footsteps of all the ab machines that have come before it, the Ab Rocket Twister is a padded piece of machinery that looks like a great place to relax while watching Project Runway. I do appreciate that the product's spokesperson is Olympic athlete Lolo Jones. I mean, if it can give her nice abs, then... oh.
5. Flex Seal, because closing holes with an aerosol spray sounds good to me
Hole in your roof? Spray it. Leaky window? Spray it. Fixing things costs money, folks. Why do that when you can spray things shut using liquid rubber, which I am positive will never give you cancer? Flex Seal seems a little too good to be true — a convenient way to put off inevitable disasters. If you're fixing a gaping hole in your boat using Flex Seal and calling it "good to go," then I will not be going in that boat with you.
6. The Mighty Blaster, because I'll put out my own house fire, thank you very much
Hoses: they're great for watering plants and lubing up Slip'N Slides. But have you ever wanted a hose with a stream of water so powerful and precise it could knock a full-grown man right off his feet? Heck yes, you have! The Mighty Blaster's claim to fame is that it's the kind of nozzle used by firefighters — you know, the one they use to put out house fires. So, not only can you take care of your own fires, but you can let out your frustrations by blasting your peonies all to hell. I call that a win-win.
7. Plaque Attack, because you can only pin a cat to the ground for so long
Listen to me: If your pet doesn't let you brush its teeth, it's not going to take being sprayed in the face with Plaque Attack well, either. Also, some Amazon reviewers claim that it killed their pets. But maybe you're one of those people who adheres to the saying "Always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident," and you want your pet to have clean teeth in case they have to go to the vet because they're vomiting up blood. Because cleanliness is next to Godliness, especially when it (allegedly) kills your dog.
8. Balloon Bonanza, because sometimes you need 40 water balloons stat
Finally! Not only does the Balloon Bonanza fill up 40 balloons in seconds, but it ties them off for you, too. This, my friends, is a game changer. My husband and I are going to destroy our kids next summer.
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