Megyn Kelly: Welcome to the first Republican National Convention. I'm Megyn Kelly and my hair is amazing. My co-moderators, Chris Wallace and Bret Baier, and I are going to spend the next couple of hours insulting the candidates and trying to get them to fight each other in front of this arena that is half-filled with white people and empty chairs.
We have our top 10 candidates here, positioned in order of their standing in the polls because ouch, total burn. Plus it puts Trump in the center.
Let's get started.
Moderator: Raise your hand if you will not support the eventual nominee and if you can't promise that you won't run as a third-party candidate.
(Trump is the only one who raises his hand)
Mr. Trump! Right out of the gate with attitude! Good for you, sir.
Trump: I will support the nominee if it's me.
Mod: Perfect. Dr. Carson, you are a highly educated neurosurgeon, but your critics say you know nothing about foreign affairs. For proof, here are a few stupid things you've said recently. Tell us why you're qualified.
Carson: I can lead this country because I've got a brain. Get it?
Mod: Oy. Mr. Rubio. Look Mr. Bush in the eye and tell him why you're qualified.
Rubio: This isn't a resume competition. If it were, then Hillary Clinton would win.
Mod: That helps no one. Mr. Bush, are you running as your own man, or as a little baby Bush who does what all the big Bushes say?
Bush: I'm gonna run hard. In Florida they call me Jeb because I earned it.
Mod: Mr. Trump. You're kind of a dick about women. You've called them fat slobs, disgusting, pigs...
Trump: Just Rosie O' Donnell. Hahahahahahahaha remember that? But for serious, I don't have time to be politically correct, and this country doesn't have time to be politically correct. Being politically correct means caring about other people's feelings, and caring is for losers. Misogyny, on the other hand, is for fun! It's kidding! We have a good time! I mean I've been nice to you, Megyn, and I certainly don't have to be because you're not very nice to me. Pig.
Mod: You are the worst. Senator Cruz, a lot of people, even within your own party, don't like you. How can you win the nomination as such a divisive figure?
Cruz: The American people want someone who is going to tell the truth, and I always tell the truth. I agree with Mr. Trump — being a dick is patriotic, Megyn, and America needs more dicks in office.
Mod: True. Governor Christie, people hate you a lot, too, and you've done a terrible job in New Jersey. Why are you here?
Christie: If you think New Jersey is bad now, you should have seen it when I got there! Ha!
Mod: Mr. Walker, you are against abortion even when it would save the mother's life. Are you for real?
Walker: Yeah, that's really what I think. I believe that that is an unborn baby in need of protection. There are other ways of saving women's lives. I mean, besides the abortion that would save their lives. Doctors and stuff.
Mod: What about you, Huckabee? Do you agree with Walker on abortion?
Huckabee: Not only do I agree, but I am going to double the f*** down and say that fetuses have the right to due process and equal protection under the law. Suck on that, Walker!
Trump: I had some friends who were going to get an abortion, they didn't, and now that baby is a superstar. Case closed.
Mod: Let's change the topic and talk about immigration because of that time Trump said Mexico was sending us its rapists.
Bush: I believe in earned legal status. People that come here do so because they have no choice and they deserve our respect.
Trump: Our leaders are stupid. Mexico is cunning. They are sending their criminals over the border because we are stupid.
Kasich: You know what, Trump is hitting a nerve. I'm going to hitch my horse to his wagon of bullshit.
Cruz: Remember that white woman who was killed by an illegal immigrant? That was terrible. So they're not just rapists, Mr. Trump. They're also murderers.
Mod: Now we'll address terrorism and national security.
Mod: Thank you, Governor Christie. Moving on. This guy on Facebook wants to know how we plan to stop ISIS. Cruz? What do you think?
Cruz: I spoke to a man on the ground, in the military, who said that the way to stop ISIS is to help the underprivileged young men of those countries from feeling like they have to join up by giving them other options. That's nonsense. If you join ISIS, you are signing your death warrant. (See what I did there? It looked like I was going to zig but then I zagged with a lack of empathy and murder.)
Mod: Dr. Carson, would you bring back waterboarding?
Carson: Oh, for sure. War isn't politically correct. Sometimes you need to pretend to drown people and electrocute their testicles. It's how you get things done.
Mod: Mr. Trump, you have donated to liberals, right?
Trump: Yes. Because then they give me stuff. Hillary Clinton came to my wedding.
Mod: Huckabee, how do you plan to create a smaller government?
Huckabee: Shrink the Environmental Protection Agency, get the Department of Education out of the federal government, and get rid of the Internal Revenue Service completely. I can do that s*** in a day.
Mod: What about getting rid of social security?
Huckabee: Pimps and prostitutes use social security.
Mod: Fair enough. Now let's tackle some serious social issues. What are your thoughts on gay marriage, Governor Kasich?
Kasich: I just went to a gay wedding.
Mod: And the #BlackLivesMatter movement and the controversy over police brutality? Mr. Walker?
Walker: Cops need training.
Mod: Great. Well, I think we gave those people the time they deserve. Let's talk about something we can all appreciate: the military.
All candidates: We need a stronger military because without a strong military we are nothing but vagina-having pussies, right Trump?
Trump: You'd better believe it.
Mod: Let's wrap things up with all of you giving your closing statements and talking about God. Tell us, what do you think of God?
Cruz: My dad was an alcoholic and left my family when I was a child. Then he went to church, found God, and came back to us. It was as awesome as it sounds.
Kasich: My dad was a mailman. His dad was a miner. Now I'm here. And God wants America to lead.
Walker: I am an imperfect man and it is only by the blood of Christ that I'm here. *mic drop*
Mod: Some random woman just came up to the stage to talk to us. Brit shot her, as is his God-given right, but with her dying breaths she asked about the veterans. So Rubio, talk about God and veterans.
Rubio: God loves veterans and the VA sucks.
Mod: Dr. Carson, you're a black man. Talk about God and race.
Carson: Not everything is about race. I'm a neurosurgeon, goddamnit!
Mod: Anyone have anything else to say?
Christie: My dad was in the military and worked for Breyer's ice cream. My mom was a secretary.
Paul: I'm a different kind of Republican — I've been to Detroit, Ferguson and Baltimore. That's where the blacks live.
Rubio: My parents were poor in Cuba. They came to America to succeed. They didn't, but now I'm running for president.
Carson: I separated a pair of Siamese twins once.
Walker: I have a wife and two kids. The people of my state have tried to kick me out of office a bunch of times but never succeeded. I'm confident that the American people wouldn't, either.
Bush: Vote for me during the primary, whenever that is!
Trump: Let's stop being losers!
Mod: Well, that's all for now. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I can't wait to talk about how old Hillary looks at her inauguration. Good night.
Get more on the debate from the other side of the aisle: A Republican's reaction to the first GOP debate: My party is doomed
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