Most of us are doomed by Valentine's Day's unrealistic expectations that are impossible to live up to, but these fails are taking the holiday to a whole new level of disappointment.
Ahh, yes... nothing spells romance like dehydrated meat products and Sasquatch.
These heart cookies look dangerously like those, ahem, cheeky Xerox scans made by tipsy people sitting on the company scanner at office parties with spiked punch.
UPDATE: My son tried 2 "put a ring on it" but GF didn't like the ring--"too big, not my style!" pre-#ValentinesDayFail (wish I was joking!)— Dyane (@Dyane357) February 1, 2015
It's a rare woman who turns down an engagement ring because it is too big. Me thinketh thou doth protest too much!
Who's Lou? Who the hell is Lou?!
Perhaps this husband should have brushed up on his math skills before making this well-intentioned — we hope — card for his wife. One misplaced decimal equals two weeks in the doghouse.
Wife tells me to get flowers for our daughters on way from home work. Get home w/flowers, realize didn't get any for wife #valentinesdayfail— Max Kellerman (@Max_Kellerman) February 15, 2014
We have to think he at least got some credit for bringing flowers for his daughters. Then again, the fact that his wife had to ask him to do that probably meant she was trying to remind him about her, too.
If my Valentine's Day fortune comes wrapped in something that looks like a severed human tongue — or, um, something else — I might just leave my destiny to chance and toss it.
You may think, "Hmm, something looks off about the consistency of that hamburger meat." Alas, it isn't ground beef at all — it's simply proof that @lavenderlollipop is the only person in the northern hemisphere who can't pull of Rice Krispies Treats.
Thanks to my lovely puffy coat I spilled wine all over the table next to us at dinner. #valentinesdayfail— Jess Gilliam (@jessgilliam) February 15, 2014
Some lessons are harder learned than others. Now you know not to wear your puffy coat to the dinner table, silly head.
Hey, I don't mind if your ice cream bowls look like Willy Wonka-land chocolate-chip top hats as long as they taste yummy.
Dear Clueless Dudes Looking for a Gift for Your Lady, don't let Groupon lead you astray with its Valentine's Day "deals." The only acceptable option here is a spa day. You can thank us later.
I mean, c'mon... if you're marketing heart-shaped pizzas, you could try a little harder, Papa John's. This looks more like a bloated Pac-Man pizza.
Somehow I doubt this is what the person who paid for a skywriter to pen a poignant message in the clouds was going for. Let's hope he or she kept the receipt.
While the boyfriend gets major brownie points for buying his sweetheart some beautiful riding boots for Valentine's Day, we must deduct a few of those points for not realizing his heartfelt gift gave his girl two left feet.
Anyone who will tattoo someone's name on his or her back in 100 different fonts — including Comic Sans — must really love that person. Or be insane. Or both.
I just know these candy hearts are trying to communicate with me... I just have no clue what they are trying to say. Whatever happened to a simple "Be Mine"?
Fred C. Lowther, we are officially dubbing you the Grinch of Valentine's Day. Here's hoping you find a metaphorical Cindy Lou Who soon to warm your cynical heart.
If you receive a heart-o-gram from unanimous, it is from Ryan Hundwardsen. He meant to say anonymous. #valentinesdayfail— Kevin Kirk (@KevinKirK004) February 14, 2014
We've decided and it's unanimous — this heart-o-gram misspelled word makes for one funny Valentine.
Really, guys? It's time to step up your game and get your lives together. PS: You can search all you want, but you won't find what you really need on that rack: a clue.
For those Valentine's Days when you're really looking to impress that special someone, White Castle has got you covered. If you go, say hello to the guys from No. 19 for us.
This is either the worst or the best marketing ploy in the world.
We bet moms taking their kids to Walgreens to get Valentine's Day gifts for their kids' teachers didn't expect they'd have to talk about the birds and the bees, too.
There's something to be said for baring your heart. Unless it's on your back.
I can't think of anything that would make me happier this Valentine's Day than being gifted temporary lip tattoos or a bedazzled stapler. Oh, wait, yes I can — everything!
You just can't use abbreviations sometimes. Seriously.
Bought my momma a bear not knowing it sings Sir Mix Alot 'I like big butts' lol #valentinesdayFAIL she's crying laughing hah— Brett Wenthur (@BrettWenthur) February 15, 2012
And you thought holidays with your family were weird!
This can't have gone over well.
Perhaps it is time for the candy heart company to hire a copy editor. Based on the candy heart messages we've seen today, it looks like it is outsourcing most of the work to 13-year-olds.
I can't decide if this obscene bear is completely offensive or completely brilliant. One thing's for sure, though — the manufacturer of this toy is, er, bear-y ballsy.
You know, if he had popped the question at Christmas, he could have played this off as a holiday proposal pun. Now, instead of coming off as witty, he just looks like a bad speller. Kudos for making his lady cookies, though.
Word to the wise: If you want to make heart-shaped cookies for Valentine's Day, remember the unfortunate shape a dough mold gave these phallic confections.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below.
Originally published February 2015. Updated February 2017.
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