If this isn't just the definition of half-a**ing it, we don't know what it is.
At Christmas, Grandma gets run over with a reindeer. At Thanksgiving, she apparently gets turned into "Granberry sauce." Perhaps she should sit tight on Easter.
"Wait, I remember now! It's bread we're supposed to break, guys — bread."
Did anybody order a
molten lavasweet potato pie? Anyone? Anyone?
Maybe the cake inside tastes like gravy. Mmm, gravy cake shaped like a turkey.
Dad put a fake severed hand inside the turkey. Mom found it,screamed & vomited. Then my sister vomited. Then I vomited. #ThanksgivingFail— Diana (@Wickysham) November 19, 2014
We're not sure what's more disconcerting — that this poor family's Thanksgiving was punctuated by vomit, or that Dad has a fake severed hand just lying around. Guess he likes to keep it, ahem, handy.
Some traditionalists might argue that a chocolate fountain doesn't belong on a Thanksgiving dessert table. And some — nay, everyone — would agree this gloopy, poopy, chocolate slug fountain definitely doesn't belong on any table anywhere. (Aside: Dude, you ate that?)
Move over, Stouffer's! There's a new stuffing in town. Eating it may cause you to sprout a mullet and sport a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off, though.
If you're bad before Christmas, Santa brings you a lump of coal. If you're bad before Thanksgiving, someone gives you a lump of turkey that looks like the love child of a blackened lung and an asteroid.
For the record, we aren't totally convinced that isn't the head of one of those creepy horse things from Harry Potter.
Now, here's a guy who can appreciate some fine White Castle stuffing.
If your turkey is hot enough to melt your meat thermometer, it might be time to break out the take-out menus and order some Moo Goo Gai Pan.
If Trader Joe's had actually spelled gobble, gobble correctly, where would that have put the turkey's cute little eyes? We all make sacrifices.
Er, um, well... somebody get this bird a training bra. Turkey nipple should never be on the menu.
What's that you say? You're really not even hungry for turkey? Oh, good... 'cause we're not having turkey. We can't pry this 22-lb carcass off the grill. If you'd never seen a melted turkey, you have now.
Aw, poor guy. Here's a neat trick that might help with your next holiday mishap — just scrape all the filling back in the pan and cover with whipped cream. Voila! It can be our little secret.
It's uncharacteristically warm for this time of year. Oh, wait, no... Mom just caught the dining room table on fire again. How does one catch the dining room table on fire, exactly?
My mom started singing "My lumps, my lumps, my lovely tater lumps" while she was mashing the potatoes. #thanksgivingfail— kaylee (@the_falpalette) November 20, 2013
We don't know what this chick's problem is. Her mom sounds awesome.
Somebody get this poor girl some real cranberry sauce — you know, the kind that doesn't remain in its perfectly cylindrical (with ridges, no less) shape long after being released from a can.
Or maybe someone in Honey Boo Boo's life tried to feed her "homemade cranberry sauce" that looked like this. And by this, we totally mean cigarette and tar soup.
My grandma was stuffing the turkey and lost her ring inside. She didn't say anything till my mom swallowed it #ThanksgivingFail— Fallon Booty (@FallonForJimmy) November 19, 2014
We're a little afraid to ask how they got it back.
At least the store who got this decorative singing turkey's "chip" mixed up replaced all of the, ahem, defective birds. Which begs the question: Does that mean people actually buy naughty singing Santas?
It'll be great, you said. It's my mom's recipe, you said. Girl, this is bootleg — it literally looks like it fell off the back of a truck.
We're almost wholly certain that this pecan pie has been bitten by a zombie and is on the precipice of starting an all-out zombie pie apocalypse.
Sorry, @AveryMedinis... despite your shaky assurance that this is not, in fact, tie-dye diarrhea, we're still not eating it. No way, no how.
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