We need real smart home products — the kind that will actually be useful. Like...
Goodbye, blackened-bottom socks. Good bye, stray shoe. See ya, pile of razor Legos. It'll teach those slobs real quick, but if it doesn't, who cares? Your floor will be all clean.
Painting sucks. That's why my walls are the same color they were when we moved in. We call it "Grotesque Visible Innards of a Raccoon That Someone Hit Three Weeks Ago Red."
And then tells you how to make a delicious meal out of stale Pirate's Booty, a wrinkly green pepper and a few dubious eggs.
Forget traffic reports or weather or headlines. I want a little thing that sits on my nightstand and when I wake up in the morning is capable of telling me, "Don't bother, honey."
And then either shuts itself off, lets off a small electric pulse or slimes them, Nickelodeon style.
Basically, these bad boys would make you invisible, so when those annoying neighbors from across the street want to come "borrow some beer" (what, like they'll give it back when they're finished?), they can creepily peek inside your house and it will just look empty, even though you're standing there giving them a two-finger salute.
These don't serve too much of a purpose. I just feel like something should hover in the future, you know? We were promised hovering things.
This is how we all deserve to wake up. Not in the freezing dark to the ear-assaulting screech of your partner's alarm — which they just sleep through anyway — and the scent of last night's dinner hanging in the air.
Scram, you little pee demon! Scram!
And then if they want a dish they have to enter a verbal promise to put the rest away and if they don't, the dishwasher will snap a photo of them and upload it online to publicly shame the little jerks.
Sometimes you're cutting up chicken and you throw out the icky bits and then you forget and then the next morning your kitchen smells like a fart died. This trashcan would change its scent structure to something like rich chocolate or beautiful peonies or a cupcakery.
Or a shot glass, or a wedding ring, or a child's pacifier, or for some weird reason, a pinecone that your kid shoved in there when you weren't looking.
Body positive and softly lit.
You could set them to scream, "Money doesn't grow on trees, young lady!" or "Waste not, want not, mister!"
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