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9 Things only people living in open concept floorplans will understand

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Open concept floorplans were all the rage a decade ago, but somehow living in one isn't quite like you see on HGTV.

1. All of your furniture is bad and you should feel bad.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

Everything that you own once fit nicely into your space, but trying to arrange them in an open concept floorplan seems like a cosmic joke that's meant to destroy any residual furniture-buying hubris. No matter where you put that couch, your house still looks like a dorm. Deal with it.

2. Ikea is a den of lies.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

No one lives like this, Ikea, OK? No house is a big square, there is no nook on Earth perfectly constructed to fit your crappy bookcases, and no one owns just four sweaters. Other heinous deceivers? HGTV and Pinterest. No matter what you do, your house will never look like those houses look. Unless you win the lottery, in which case I suggest you just buy a new home and start over.

3. There is no such thing as privacy.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

Forget getting frisky, going pantsless or picking a wedgie in your open floor plan. The office is open to the dining room is open to the living room is open to the kitchen, and every wall is an exterior one, so even if you have the house to yourself, you'll end up in front of a window.

More: Creating a personal haven in your home

4. Painting a single wall is out of the question.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

Because every wall in your house stretches on forever. You will never have a blue living room and a gray dining room because they are all one giant room that is maybe even open to the second floor. Hope you like white hospital walls.

5. You'll instantly regret cooking any food that tastes like anything.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

Curries? Fish? Out of the question. If you even whisper the word "garlic" in your kitchen, your pillowcases will smell like it for a month.

6. Your home has the temperature consistency of a swimming pool.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

Freezing in the foyer, suspiciously warm right there by the closet.

7. There is no such thing as quiet.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

The acoustics in your house are to die for. I hope you don't have newborns that need sleep because getting up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night can only be done in eardrum destroying stereo surround sound.

8. Your home is where design ideas go to die.

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

You start thinking that maybe you could put a rug here, or a club chair here, or maybe move the dining room table over there to "define your space." Stop. Push everything you own up against a wall. That's the best you can hope for.

More: Design Dilemma: I have black furniture, how should I paint my room?

9. The monthly utility bills would be comical...

Open concept homes are definitely not for the agoraphobic

Image: Giphy

If they weren't so horribly tragic. No one told you cooling your home in the summer would basically mean a second mortgage payment. Thanks for nothing, House Hunters.

More on working with your floorplan

Top 5 online tools to design your own spaces
Courtney's Corner: Creating floor plans
How to furnish and decorate for a big family

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