I've never understood why people go nuts over Thanksgiving. I have never once seen people enjoy this holiday, even if they insist that they love it. Someone is always all sweaty and pissed off because someone else isn't helping enough or the turkey is still frozen or the kids won't eat the green bean casserole that the adults slaved over a can opener all day to make.
The fact is, ever since I stopped making Thanksgiving dinner, my life has improved dramatically. And like your annoying friend who recently got married and now won't shut up about how great it is, I am here to convert you to the dark side. Here are all of the reasons that you should cast off your french-fried shackles and join me on the couch this year.
Any holiday where you have to wake up at the crack of dawn to shove your hand into a poultry orifice to pull out organs is a sucker's holiday. If you stop making Thanksgiving dinner, you get to sleep in like a sane person.
"You know what I really want? Dry-ass meat and some cheese–product-infused casserole. Could we have some congealed fruit, too?" said no one in the history of forever.
Your partner/bestie/sister/mother-in-law might promise to help you, but all they are going to do is jack up your kitchen and complain at you. Avoid a divorce and be lazy. You know you want to.
The day before Thanksgiving, you order vindaloo. You bring it home and put it in the fridge. The next day, you warm it up in the oven or microwave, and you're done before your friends can say, "I swear to God, honey, if you don't get off the couch and help me sew up this turkey's butt, I'm going to ram this sweet potato so far up your [multiple expletives deleted] you won't walk right for weeks."
All of the people who are impressed with your steadfastness in the face of the Turkeyarchy will want to hang out with you. It's like being at the cool kids' table in middle school, but with less Love's Baby Soft-scented body spray.
All of the people you hate that judge you for being awesome on Thanksgiving won't show up. Score.
Again, while people are scrubbing the crusty green beans no one ate out of casserole pans, you'll have already moved on to post-dinner cocktails. All you have to do is throw out styrofoam containers and load the dishwasher.
Don't you wish you could throw, like, half a paycheck away on a frozen yard bird and some canned cranberries? Oh, you don't? Make tacos instead.
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