What celebs like Chris Brown might put on their Candygram

Feb 01, 2013 12:00 PM by Julie Sprankles

Posted in Holidays & Seasons / Valentine's Day

Chris Brown

To: Rihanna

Type of Candy: Sweethearts

Message: If his Twitter eloquence is any indication, Brown’s Candygram to Rihanna would most likely start with something profound, like, “Be mine, hoe [sic],” and be filled with symbols to thinly veil his favorite obscene reference: his d**k. His message would be tied to a bag of candy hearts, which — natch! — would all read, “Love Hurts.”

Kristen Stewart in Los Angeles

Kristen Stewart

To: Robert Pattinson

Type of Candy: Suckers

Message: What better way to say, “Sorry I slept with my Snow White director, caused a huge public scandal and broke your heart” than with candy? The sugar is certain to soften the blow of betrayal. To make sure the message feels authentic, the person delivering it should stare blankly at Rob and, like, say "like" a lot.

Kris Jenner at the Premier of Scandalous: The Musical

Kris Jenner

To: Kanye West

Type of Candy: Whoppers

Message: Since the matriarch of the Kardashian clan seems so fond of home videos, maybe her Candygram would come complete with a video message for Kim’s baby daddy. Either way, the main sentiment would be something along the lines of, “Thanks for knocking Kimmie up! I can’t wait to pimp my grandbaby out to the tabloids. P.S. I took the liberty of setting up a photo shoot for the fetus two weeks from Tuesday.”

Taylor Swift at the 39th Annual People's Choice Awards

Taylor Swift

To: Harry Styles

Type of Candy: Sour Patch Kids

Message: Just the most recent of the many boys Taylor Swift has bid adieu to, One Direction's Harry Styles has found himself on Swift's chopping block. The country queen has an arsenal of songs she could pull from — think “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” or “Picture to Burn” — but the message would be best served with a set of lyrics written just for Styles.

Justin Bieber at the Y100 Jingle Ball

Justin Bieber

To: Selena Gomez

Type of Candy: Mary Janes

Message: My how the mighty have fallen! Since the Biebs is apparently on the Lindsay Lohan five-year plan, it’s no wonder his on-again off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez needs a little saccharine persuasion to stick around. Since he's constantly sticking his foot in his mouth these days, Justin should stick with the whole “If I was your boyfriend” song lyric shtick in his Candygram.