Comaroto, a well-known authority on successful relationships, says women are selling themselves short by using sex as a way to lure and catch a guy. If you've been on the heartbreak end of one too many relationships or can't seem to break the habit of falling for the wrong guy, Comaroto has some advice for you: Slow down and get to know yourself and a potential mate; a successful relationship isn't built between the sheets.
SheKnows sat down with Comaroto to learn more about the dangers of using sex as a means to find Mr Right and the benefits of waiting to have sex. Here's what she had to say.
SheKnows: What inspired you to write Hindsight and who specifically is the book geared towards?
Comaroto: A growing number of my women clients aged 18- to 60-something, my students, and many friends had been expressing an increased dissatisfaction in the area of partnership
relationship – specifically how to find, get and keep a great relationship – and were unable to pinpoint the root causes of why they were unsuccessful, often heartbroken or worse. I had
been teaching a course for several years that I felt successfully addressed these issues and was excited to share it with a larger audience. Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop
Your Drawers offers real, powerful, practical solutions and helps women end some of the unnecessary suffering we often experience when we get involved in a relationship without possessing the
tools essential for a relationship.
SheKnows: If quickly jumping into bed with a guy has repeatedly proven problematic for women, why do so many women continue to do it?
Comaroto: Because most women (and men, for that matter) have learned it's a means to an end. We sell our sexy selves in the hopes of "getting the guy." Pretty straightforward. And, sadly, we have lost touch with our sacred sexuality -- and are paying for it [with unsuccessful relationships and heartache].
SheKnows: How does using sex in hopes of "sealing the deal" put women's emotional and physical health at risk?
Comaroto: Self-esteem-wise it's a roulette game. Eventually some women figure out that holding out for the good stuff is the way to go, but the price they pay for that intrinsic information is staggering. Those women who don't figure it out end up suffering any number of ways -- including alcohol and drug addiction, depression, anxiety disorders, etc. – due to the fact that they have externally referenced their basic value as a person and objectified their own worth. Many of those same women who are lucky enough to awaken from this destructive pattern will forge a path of purpose, self-discovery and love, and reemerge stronger and wiser for it. However, some women won't make it out at all, like one of my girlfriends, and die prematurely without having had the chance to experience real and true love.
SheKnows: What are the benefits of waiting to have sex from a personal and relationship perspective?
Comaroto: When you know love doesn't have a shelf life (in other words, waiting before you hop in the sack), you get to enjoy real courtship, the magical dance of romance where every kiss, holding of hands and glance is potentially filled with passion and more.
By slowing things down, two people can really get to witness each other and explore sincerely whether or not they are a great fit. This, of course, applies only to those who actually want a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship and not just a good time. Ultimately, [for two people who wait before having sex] the relationship gets to be built on this bedrock of trust and support.
This gradual opening gives both the people and the relationship the opportunity to get their sea legs, as it were, and make sure they've got what it takes to go the distance. Why take a chance with such an important decision?
SheKnows: Women can feel really bad about themselves and feel like they made a mistake if they don't get a second date or phone call after they refrain from having sex. What is your advice to them so they aren't afraid to continue a commitment to waiting for sex?
Comaroto: First, self-esteem isn't built between the sheets. Just because a guy calls or doesn't, honestly, when you think about it, doesn't really mean anything about you at all – how could it? They don't even know you. People with a healthy self-esteem don't take rejection that personally, and rather move on to the other 3.5 billion opportunities to find love and intimacy with someone who does call, is respectful and actually displays behaviors that show they want to be with that person.
Second, waiting for sex isn't about the other person; it's about you. It's about knowing when you are ready to be with someone in a sacred way, sharing your sacred self. It takes time to make sure who a potential mate seems to be matches what you feel. Only then can you decide if they deserve your trust. When do you want to find out the guy you just slept with is a player, sleeping with several other women, or has a wicked STD or worse? Before or after you have sex? Bottom line: It hurts more when we don't take care to wait and things go wrong, period.
SheKnows: Many women are in committed sexual relationships, but the sexual relationship isn't strong, intimate or particularly healthy. Would they benefit from refraining from sex to follow the advice in your book or do you have different advice for them?
Comaroto: I recommend that anyone who can have sex read this book and then decide. The body never lies, and if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Slow down, inquire, see what is really going on – and while you're at it, take the focus off your partner and put it on yourself. It's no one's job to make us happy or fulfilled; it's our own responsibility. So I say, start there and then everything is possible!
SheKnows: It's a new year, what sexual resolutions should women make for 2010?
Comaroto: To do only that which makes you feel fulfilled, stronger, more powerful and divine within your body. Because, like I always say: Great relationships begin within!
For more information on healthy, successful relationships and to take part in one of Comaroto's relationship seminars, visit www.MaryAnneLive.com.
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