How to deal with your mother-in-law

Oct 06, 2008 11:49 AM by Wendy T. Behary

Posted in

Surviving And Thriving

You want her to like you, accept you, and respect you. You have your own mind, and it's been a pretty good mind at that. You are smart, have opinions, and ideas all your own. Butâ€¦ forget it! She is always right! She has to win! It's her way or no way! Who is she?!

You know the one. She can launch a look of disapproval, disgust and disinterest like no other. You are dismissed with an eyebrow, a sigh or a chuckle. She is the ultimate button-pusher. You guessed it. She is your narcissistic mother-in-law. And you are engaged in an interpersonal battle like no other. For you are one of her greatest rivals and narcissists love to compete and to win. Okay - off your knees, deep breath, straighten your posture, chin up, and ready your stride. You are up for the challenge. Hang onâ€¦Quick definition of a narcissist: someone who has an exaggerated sense of self-worth, is highly self-absorbed, entitled, condescending, superior, show-off-ish, competitive, and approval-craving. They do not appreciate the impact of their often obnoxious behaviors on others. They have a lot of trouble with empathy and with the notion of give and take.

Who Stole My Voice?

You stammer and struggle for words, but somehow they have vanished. It's as if someone has pressed the mute button on your vocal chords. Why does this woman have this effect on you? Perhaps you have simply resigned yourself to the "keep quiet and keep the peace" mantra. Rest assured, you are not unique. For most of us, dealing with a narcissist can be a daunting task, but dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law, who has to be right about everything, surely ups the ante. She is family, after all. She will be a part of your life for a potentially long time. She already is, or will be, a grandmother to your children. She is not just a difficult encounter. She is your partner's mother.

What do you do?

First, you gather as much information as you can about her history, in order to understand how she became the person she is. 1.Was she simply spoiled and indulged as a little girl and this is all she knows? 2.Was she loved conditionally, based on her performance and achievements? 3.Was she harshly criticized when she was not being perfect in the eyes of her parent? 4.Why should I care, you ask? The explanation behind her narcissistic style equips you in confronting her about her unacceptable ways. The explanations are not to excuse her ways but to better hold her accountable. Here's howâ€¦

Empathic Confrontation & Setting Limits

Empathy is not agreement. It is not sympathy, nor is it compassion. It is simply the art of walking in another's shoes. With empathy you can give her some benefit of the doubt, but she must be confronted in order to help her appreciate the affect she has on you and others. Limits must be set and boundaries declared as a means of protecting your rights, territory and sanity.Here are just a few examples of how you can use empathic confrontation and limit setting with the self-righteous mother-in-law in your life: 1. "Jane (your mother-in-law), I know how hard you work to maintain a very enjoyable reputation as a great hostess with many artistic talents. I know this was a priority in your own family growing up. We have benefited from these talents as well. [Okay, here comes the Confrontation part] But this is my first home and I know you can understand how exciting it is for me to make my own decorating decisions - right or wrong. I am sure I have a lot to learn and I appreciate your ideas, but I need you to respect my opinions as I do yours, even if we disagree. Your tone and persistence makes it sometimes feel like a contest. I don't want it to be a contest. I don't want it to hurt our relationship."2. (Phone Rings — Oh noâ€¦it's HER again!) "Hi Jane. I only have five minutes as I am running to an appointment, but I didn't want to miss your call again." (Okay — small white lie — but a good limit setting approach) You can increase the number of stress-free days and moments by limiting your exposure. Keep the calls short and infrequent, same with visits when possible. Remember: you cannot change a narcissist by yourself, but you may have some influence over the way they behave with you. You can also control the impact it has on you by limiting your contact and clarifying the boundaries when you are with them. 3. For example, "Jane, I appreciate your concern for little Timmy and what you see as his over-attachment to his teddy bear. I know you watch Oprah and read articles about child development, and feel you have some expertise in this area. It is okay for you to offer your input to us privately, but it is not acceptable for you to discuss this in front of our friends or in front of the children. This must not happen again. I am counting on you to respect our wishes, and I'd appreciate your commitment to this effort while in our home." There - you said it, graciously but firmly. So, let's say she sighs, waves her hand in the air, as if to dismiss you like an annoying flying insect, or puffs up and gets defensive. Simply and nicely let her know that you had no intention of offending her nor are you inviting her into a debate on the matter. Again, "Jane let's not let this hurt our relationship." And leave it at that. These skills take time and practice. You may want to solicit a friend or even an audio taping device so that as you practice your new skills you can collect feedback on your word selection, tonal quality and measure the sturdiness in your voice. You want your message to be communicated with authenticity and to achieve the impact you intend. You may also want to consult an expert who deals with narcissism to see if there is any personal baggage that you need to discard in order to enhance your capacity to be a better advocate for yourself. Some experts can even provide interpersonal coaching for dealing most effectively with situations like this one.

More tips on keeping the peace

How to deal with your mother-in-law
Mother-in-law Manager
Dealing with difficult people: 17 Tips to keep you sane

Comments

Comments on "How to deal with your mother-in-law"

Thought this was a great article - very helpful. I do tend to confuse being polite with giving the message that I am no longer in control of the situation. And that is what I need to work on - I like the suggestions in article to record and practice tone of voice, words, etc. to hear how you actually sound. My MIL definitely has narcissistic tendencies, as does my own mother. But I am learning that much of how they treat me is a result of not respecting myself and making boundary-setting a habit. Even in the worst toxic situation like I have been in the past, it is up to me to take a hard look at my own responsibility in how I respond, what actions or words I say that put me at risk of being treated like a shrinking violet or victim, deciding ahead of time what I will and will not tolerate, having several short encounters with MIL which really does help - several is the key!, and trying to view MIL and mom as very damaged, hurting human beings. Anyway, prayers to those who have virtually unlivable situations with their MILs and husbands.

my MIL is terrible. she wants my kids all to herself! they are mine!

In-laws are an arrogant bunch of spongers who, unlike normal guests, feel they have a "right" to walk in to your house any time they feel like it, expect to be waited on, demand to stay over, hog the remote control etc. They never take a hint. No doubt there are nice ones out there, but imho they should all be locked up

I am at wits end. As soon as something goes wrong in this family the mother in-law will automatically start attacking me. The oldest son & daughter in-law actually have a restraining order against this narcissist. Over the past 7 years I have been verbally abused by this woman. Thousands of abusive messages on my answering machine about how her son should get rid of me because i am a piece of garbage. This past few weeks she has been leaving threatening messages on my machine.

I don't feel alone reading all these post. Thank you all for sharing. My MIL and SIL very narcissistic and rude. 18 years I've been accused of being all sorts of things; jealous, mean, rude, and loud, and being a financial burden on my husband. My MIL even threaten to stab with a knife when I was with her preparing food for my first New Year's with her son, when we first started dating. I worked very hard to have a good relationship with her and her daughter, for the sake of my husband. Well, this last time, forget, I have chosen to distance myself from them. Like my mother told me, "You're a blessing to that family...and they don't know it." So remember that ladies, you are a blessing, a gift....You're all terrific!

Reading these stories are horrible and I wonder how can these women be so terrible. I too can relate with my MIL. Luckily for most of you, you don't have to live with her. I do.My MIL has despised me since the day I moved in. My husband takes care of her, which I thought was sweet until I got to know her. She has been hateful and mean to me for absolutely no reason. I honestly believe she has no social graces by the way she acts. My husband and I have a 17 month old son, and I thought for sure when the baby came that she would learn to like me, but NO! She makes no sense to me at all. I go to school full time so I can have an education and a good job. I raise my son and take care of her son. I cook and clean. I am not lazy. I don't drink or take drugs. I try so hard to befriend her, but she would rather be friends with her son's ex. His ex is by no means the perfect women either. She is an alcoholic/drug addict, has four children by three different men, doesn't clean or cook and was a stripper until she got to old to make money doing that. This women is my MIL's best friend. She has even invited her to our house for coffee. My MIL is rude, obnoxious and I cannot stand her any longer. If anyone can relate and tell me how you dealt with it please let me know. I am to the point of leaving and breaking our family up over this women(MIL).

My mother in-law is the DEVIL himself! She is a fake, a liar, she hates females. Want to be queen bee. Would rather her other son get a dog than a wife. she is jealous. Make things up as she goes along. does not believe in herself. Played a big part in one sons destruction of marriage. Will fight you through her husband. Poor guy! Is a true narcissist. There is no helping her. SHE IS ALWAYS A VICTIM!!!

I dated a man for 8-years. I loved my ex's mother, she was kind, gentle-mannered, considerate, simple, honest, intelligent, etc. Her son, however, wasn't any of those things. I've been dating my new boyfriend for a solid 1.5 years. He's kind, gentle-mannered, etc etc. His mother is NOT! She's awful! She's ridiculous! She uses guilt to manipulate him into doing what she wants of him. She acts like an injured puppy who is dying of thirst and hunger for his time and attention. She might call him 3 or more times in two hours for random, unimportant things. I suspect that she's very lonely and that saddens me. I encourage him to spend time with her and to give her special attention. I feel that this might placate her. But then, when he does this, she just wants more. I feel that there's a bit of a reversed Oedipus Complex, I think she's in love with him. ew! I've never said that out loud but I feel like she's obsessively in love with her son. After a relationship like my last, I feel as if I am certain about my new relationship. I feel that he is the one I'm going to spend my life with. But the one thing I wont ever accept is his mother. And, I feel badly admitting this...but she's not good for him. She's allowed him to live a bad life, never encouraged conventional methods of success, but always covered up for him and put bandaids over his mistakes. I feel like she's a horrible mother and a terrible person. There's so much more to her than I've described, I don't have too much time, but I just wish she wasn't in my way to being happily ever after with her son.

I've been married just about one year, but husband and I have been together almost 12 yrs. From day one my MIL has made me unwelcome. No one is good enough for her baby. Although she treats him like hired help.she acts as if my son from my 1st marriage was not his "burden" to take on(my son sees his father, not looking for a new daddy for him thank you!) She won't introduce me as his wife, or her daughter in law at any function, that's a title reserved for his brothers GF. She tried to ruin our wedding by booking a cruise during it, so we had to change the date(idve been fine w/out her there)she tried to get the DJ. To cut off our first dance so she could have her wedding song played instead, stood right next to me as I was cutting the cake saying I was doing it wrong, blasts me in front of everyone at holiday family parties because I didn't put coniments in little crystal serving bowls. Tells people I wasn't raised properly...really? I'm middle class and so is she! Sorry I don't find it necessary to have china out for a thanksgiving buffet! Oh and best part? At a recent funeral she called me a heathen at a catholic mass for not kneeling: I have a y knee brace contraption for a torn knee...I CAN'T kneel. So yes then people at mass turn around to look at me like I'm satan. And life continues on...

Annie J is right. I see where the author is coming from but the narcissist will only view your attempts at social graces as another successfully won power play. Social graces are considerations given to those who might deserve them or who you are sure deserve them. When manipulative behavior has already been demonstrated, this benefit of the doubt no longer applies. If politeness (a reward) persists, this individual will think that you have accepted your position beneath her because you are continuing with politeness. Be a wall. Answer demands & even suggestions with "this is not up for discussion" "this is not for your concern" & "this is non-negotiable". Say a firm no to everything she tries to drag you into. This individual will eventually get the hint, that is, that you're not playing her fixed game! I have already started with setting these boundaries with my future mil & I just met her 2 months ago. I refuse to be emotionally abused for 10+ years by a mentally damaged adult that has declined professional & self help for her problem, like some of the DILs & SILs here have. Stonewall these cluster Bs. This is the only thing that will incentivize positive change. By continuing to be Mr. nice guy, you are only encouraging this crazy, unhealthy behavior & you will be poisoned by the toxicity. You can't prevent that without setting strict boundaries.

My mother in law is a pain! I feel the pain ladies!

31 years and through all the behaviours I experienced their is a difenition. THINKING I WAS NOT ADEQUATE FOR HER SON IT SEEMS MUCH DEEPER. POSSIBILITY...I FELT ADDRESS CHANGE BACK TO MAMA'S WAS CO-DEPENDANCY AFTER READING PERSONALITY DISORDER ACOHOL SEEMED MILD.

Thank you for sharing my rage. it just helps me deal with today.

MY wife and I got married in 2008. Her parents are divorced. My FIL & Family loves me. My MIL & Family hate me, EXCEPT GRAND MIL. I love GRAND MIL. Chrirstmas 2009 MIL and her brother/ my wifes UNCLE took my bride into another room and told my wife to divorce me. We left. After that day my wife didn't talk to her family (Her Choice). Now my wife and I have a 1yr old Son. When he was born MIL came over to the house and started yelling at my bride because my FIL bought my wife a baby crib (the one my wife wanted) I then told MIL to leave and Never come back. Now MIL has gotten GrandMIL involved telling her that I & my WIfe wont let MIL see her grandson."my MIL has had many chances to see/hold her grandson but chooses to push him away" MIL has told my wife that we spend time with my family more then her.... YEs my family lives 2 mile down the road from me and my MIL lives 1 1/2 hrs from us. But I dont see my family every day nor do I talk to them every day.... To be totaly honest with you I dont want my MIL around my son or my wife because every word that comes out of her mouth talks ill of my FIL & my Family & Myself but I know I cant do that..... What should I do???? Corey

my mil lives with us on and off and is always here since i first had our baby five years ago. she is here so much that i sometimes feel like I don't have space and my relationship with my husband is never the same when she is here. I have expressed my feelings but there is nothing we can do, this is his mother! the mother of the love of my life so what- i hang in there by the power of God and hope things will change in the future

I am so thankful to find this website. I have been dealing with my MIL for 14 yrs and even after 14 yrs I am still not good enough for my husband. She bad mouths me to everyone and blames me for things I have never done. I am stretch very thin now dealing with her. I am unsure how much linger I can keep putting up with her. My husband has always stood up for me but she doesnt care. Nothing anyone says to her matters, its her way or the highway.

I tried for 12+ years to have a healthy relationship with my mother-in-law who I have now realized is a narcissist. What I was tolerating was actually abuse and it definitely was not worth the damage it caused. Trust your gutt about people in general, but not excluding relatives ! ALWAYS listen to your gutt. We have a built in alarm system meant to save us from wasting out time, our life, and putting ourselves in danger. A relationship with a narcissist is dangerous. Once it becomes apparent that there will never be healthy balance, that you have been lied to or manipulated, used or abused,or once you realize that a person is a narcissist - just get them out of your life as soon as possible. You can't change them, you can't negociate or compromise, these are only games that you will always lose followed by all manner of inhumanities. It doesn't just hurt your feelings, they destroy you. If you never want to achieve the peace and joy of living the life you were created to live, if you want to become suicidal or become a permanent victim or the victim of a crime, stay in contact with a narcissist.

My husband and I met when I was 15 and he 17. Two years later we married-I was not the "ONE" she had in mind for her "baby boy". This November we will be married 40 yrs. To tell you quite honestly how I have survived his mother is only by the Grace of God. She wants everything her way and since 1972-we have had to deal with her narcissist ways-come Christmas Eve, birthdays-cakes and cards are always late or forgotten. When our girls were younger she made the remark" I'm not leaving them anything-I plan to spend their inheritance" (Looks like the doctors will beat her to it) Time will not permit me to tell all the other nasty darts that have come from her mouth thru the years. Just this past month my father in law was on life support in the hospital, our pastor came to sit with the family. Her remark 'there sits my daughter in law-you know the one thats unphotogenic" What has that got to do with a member of the family in ICU?? She has taken pot shots at me, my mom, our children/grand-children for years - finally when she went off at me for covering my father in law up while on the ventilator I decided enough is enough- I'm done with it. I have tried to be her friend, bent over backwards to please her -but No More. This Christmas we have plans with our daughters/sons in laws and grandchildren. Thanks for listening. Good to know I'm not alone

Looks-money-education. That is all my narcissistic MIL cares about. I have always been a skinny person and happened to gain a lot of weight with my first baby. She was verbally abusive. She disapproved that I nursed instead of bottle-fed and the root of all her horrible hostility is that I stay at home with my baby and don't work and put my child in day care. She would rather that. But it's none if her freaking business. She makes everything her business and has no filters on what she says and does. I need a support group stat. She has power over my husband and me and I can't live like this anymore. Luckily my husband backs me up, but obviously he can't change her!!! I have decided I cannot be around her from here on out. I could go on and on but I'll stop here. Good luck to all dealing with overbearing, horrible narcissistic mother in laws!

God, I love reading these stories. I feel I can totally relate! I got married this past summer. I thought i was marrying into a family that liked me, but I found out a week after our wedding that my MIL told my DH to break up with me after our engagement. She didnt think me our my family was at her 'level'. She came to our wedding, was a ----- to my mother, rude to my guests and looked miserable! i have anger regarding that day but i am learning to let go of it. When I first got married, my DH had no problem speaking to his parents infront of me, most of the time he'd put them on speaker phone until one time she decieded to say i was nasty and so is my family. He now speaks to them behind my back. This led me to go to into cell phone ( bad I know, i apologized) and I read their text messages to each other and it made me feel sick! Anytime my DH and i have a argument, he texts her about me and she gives him comfort and says I am a horrible person and it is because I am from a horrible family! I feel my DH is married to my MIL and I am just hear to be a maid in our own home. My mother advised me to keep silent. My MIL has been caught a few times, now with her nasty comments.We have only been married 6 months. I have no idea how I am going to survive.