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Fat no, chocolate yes

Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish JellyMom, buy the book or leave comme...

I decided to eat healthy. Two hours later I got the results back from a blood test declaring that I am a prime candidate for a heart attack. Is there a better sign that eating healthy is the right direction to go in?

So I cut the fat and cholesterol out of my diet and increased whole grains, veggies, fruits, beans and lentils. This is not a problem for me because I'm not a picky eater and I am happily eating as much as I like from these food groups. That is until the craving hit.

On day six I heard, "C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E!" whispered in my ear. I didn't need to look around. I knew no one was there. Women have an organ called a chocopendix. It's a tiny organ located directly between the ovaries. It's practically invisible to the male eye and to those who do not believe women should be stereotyped.

Its purpose it to regulate cacao in the bloodstream. The level of cacao in the bloodstream is determined by the hormonal messages detected from the ovaries. Pre-menses, menses and post-menses states of a woman's body demand certain levels of cacao.

If those levels are not met, then the female brain goes into chocolate arrest. This is when the entire brain shuts down and women resort to a primitive gathering state (as in hunters and gatherers). She must have chocolate. She must stop everything she is doing and seek chocolate. It's that simple, but it can be deadly for those witless males and children in close proximity.

Symptoms of chocolate arrest generally include eyes narrowed to slits, a deep frown and scowl, a pointing finger and rapid aggressive criticism of anyone and everything from all time. Symptoms may also include abrupt bouts of crying and despair creating a mixed state of anger and depression.

At this point the brain induces an audio-hallucination which is what I was experiencing.

"Chocolate!" My brain screamed at me again.

What could I do? I hurried to the van and drove myself to the store and ran to the ice cream aisle. (See? I'm exercising, too!) I selected a fat free ice cream. Proud of myself, I rushed home and plopped two scoops in a bowl and drowned it in fat free chocolate sauce.

Well, I satisfied two things -- my craving for something sweet and cold and my curiosity about 'diet ice cream'. Is that an oxymoron or what?

I just wonder how long it will be before I desperately start spooning baking cocoa into my mouth in desperation. It's a fine line when balancing cholesterol and cacao levels.

For now the voice is quiet. It's not happy, but it's quiet.

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