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How I stopped seeing my body as a size large catastrophe

I judge my body not on how it looks but on how much I am loved

I used to see my body as sizes going up or down, amounts of weight to be dropped, muscles to be shaped and toned. I saw my body according to how well the dresses in my closet do or don't fit and how tight my jeans were. I saw my body as a size medium success or a size large catastrophe.

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But then life showed me this was a lie. I paid attention to my body and found brand new inches of skin I didn’t even know existed. I became a new fan of the back of my neck, the shape of my mouth, my earlobes, the waves on my messy curly hair, the specific location of each lump on my body, the shape and colors of my fingernails without nail polish, the brown color of my eyes, the tiny feet I have in comparison to my height, the small birthmark that I have on a particular spot, the glow in the skin of my shoulders, the blue veins in my arms and my body's exact height.

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I also found invisible written words on my skin for each person I have ever loved, words that at one point scarred and hurt me for life. Now, those words have almost faded with the daily renewal of my skin, maturity and experiences. However, what I’m certainly proud of is that I could look at myself as a whole and find beautiful words on each inch of skin from people that love me unconditionally.

I must confess, I’m surprised to realize that many were my own words. At some desperate point in life, I gifted myself beautiful words and mantras to be used in the future. Like someone lost to the sea in a shipwreck sending an SOS message to a soul who would eventually read it — SOS messages of self-love, resilience and validation that transformed and made me brave during several situations.

These words are at present too many, becoming bigger by each passing day and transforming themselves into the brightest lights in any room. I discovered that my body at the moment breathes intuition, vibration and energy and no longer logic and fixable, addictive thinking. Materialistic living or possessions will never be able to satisfy this body that instead craves intensity, creativity, passion and spiritual connections.

I discovered that I have been homesick my whole life, missing something or someone I couldn’t find or identify. When I confronted my true self, I discovered that I’m no longer homesick. I finally found my perfect home in me. I am my own missing home.

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