You guys. We've been hearing way too many stories about women getting unsavory things stuck in their lady parts, making us think that we're long overdue for a "what not to stick in your vagina" Come to Jesus moment. Hey, we get it. It's kind of like we never lose that crazy impulse from childhood — if there's a hole in your body, you've got to trying to stick something into it, at least once.
And here's example number one: Three women stole watches from a hotel room in Las Vegas… and attempted to smuggle them out in their vaginas. They charmed their way into the hotel room of two guys and Winona-ed their watches, valued at $12,000 and $4,000 (say whaaa?!). Once they booked it out of the hotel room, security footage caught them stuffing the watches into their hoohahs (giving whole new meaning to the term "jewelry box").
This, of course, isn’t the first time women have been caught smuggling strange things in their vaginas. A woman in Tennessee was found with a loaded gun in her vagina. A woman in Oklahoma used hers as a carrying case for her pot pipe. Then, there was the woman in the UK who lost her cell phone: When authorities placed a call to it, a nearby woman’s vagina started ringing. Mhmm.
Here's the thing: Yes, your vagina is a magical being, but it is not a tote bag. No, you don't have to worry about "misplaced" objects taking a stroll to other parts of your body, but that doesn't mean you should make stuffing yourself like a Thanksgiving turkey a thing. Depending on the object, it could mess with your vagina’s pH balance and irritate/injure your skin, which can then lead to various bacterial and yeast infections.
So, what can you put in your vagina? Welp, not to sound old fashioned, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it:
Clean fingers, smooth nails. Pretend there's a "No Germs Allowed" clubhouse sign before anything enters.
Just make sure they're made of FDA-approved silicone. Word on the street is the jelly rubber ones can develop nicks where microbes may grow (even after you wash it, eek!), which may expose you to an infection the next time you use it.
It $12,000 on the black market, but to you? Priceless. (As long as he's not wearing a flavored condom, since they're intended for oral sex only. Anything flavored or scented is your vagina's kryptonite, so steer clear.)
Spreadable and pourable foods are strictly for external use only — really, all foods should be. The acidity in some foods can irritate your skin and screw with your pH balance, which is a total buzzkill. If he insists on playing Marco Polo, make sure you're using solid foods — and make sure he Polos! One OB-GYN reported to Redbook that she's pulled countless cherries, grapes and even macadamia nuts from her patients' vaginas — and what's alarming (but equally hilarious) is that they had no idea the food was still in there.
Originally published Sept. 2014. Updated Sept. 2016.
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