High fructose corn syrup

Let's call it like
it is

You've likely seen the commercials where the united corn people of America have tried to erase all the negative connotations High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) has gotten in the last few years and attempt to convince us that this product is just good old sugar. Unfortunately their efforts have been futile and the FDA agrees.

A recent attempt to change the name was rejected, so we thought we'd lend a hand to help find them a name that the FDA might actually like.

High fructose corn syrup has made its way into just about every processed food you can think of and,  thanks to the negative press it has received of late, it is slowly making its way back out. Studies have shown that this processed sweetener is a known neurotoxin that contributes to obesity and diabetes among other things. The Corn Refiners Association says it isn't so and that this so-called natural product is no different from any other sugar. To further prove the point they recently petitioned to change the name to "corn sugar." Luckily the FDA wasn't having it. But if we were sitting on the FDA board of name changes, we would have made a few suggestions of our own.

1

Chemical sh*t storm

If it looks like corn, tastes like corn and comes on a cob, it must be corn right? Right. But if it tastes like sugar, looks like syrup and doesn't even come close to resembling a kernel, what exactly is it? That's what we want to know and a big reason the FDA slapped down the name change. Calling the product corn sugar suggests that it is natural and well, there is nothing natural about chemically altering something to taste like sugar.

2

Liquid cankles

There's a good chance that if you are consuming HFCS, you are eating processed junk food that will ultimately lead to your calves swallowing up your ankles and melding right into your feet in a way that no one will be able to figure out where one stops and the other starts. If you don’t want to start replacing your anklets with their larger cousins — necklaces, we suggest steering clear of this sweet syrup. We're confident that if cankles were included in a warning label on the product, most people would step away.

3

A diabetic deathtrap

Also known by its other name and subsequent side effect, ADD. Take down a few soda pops, a bowl of cereal and a few pieces of white bread and the sugar high will transform you (or your child) into every teacher's worst nightmare, that is until you lapse into a diabetic coma. You know what tastes sweet, won't require a surge of insulin and will reduce your dependence on Ritalin? An apple.

Is the food your child eating causing bad behavior? >>

4

Obesitini

We like to think of HFCS as a cocktail that doesn't get you drunk, just fat. Alcohol gets a bad rap for ruining lives, causing addiction and eating away livers. HFCS sounds eerily similar, except it's your pancreas that's in trouble along with your thighs, although your liver probably isn't too thrilled either. The new happy hour results in half-off obesitinis and double the weight gain.

Could cutting out high fructose corn syrup save your life? >>

5

Sweet death syrup

Let's just get straight to the point. Heart disease is the number-one killer of women, obesity is running rampant, cancer is everywhere, kids are being diagnosed right and left with ADHD and all the while we are still filling our mouths with junk. There is nothing sweet about premature death, clogged arteries or a muffin top. Perhaps if we named our ingredients to reflect what they are actually doing to us instead of giving them names that sound edible, we'd all be a lot better off.

FDA-1: Corn-0

We're with the FDA on this one. Hindsight is 20/20, and we're guessing the Corn Refiners Association is wishing they would have thought twice before naming this product in the first place. Attempting to change the name now is just insulting. Consumers aren't that ignorant. Instead of trying to change the name, how about, oh, coming up with a new product that doesn't kill people? We're not trying to hate on the corn farmers. We just prefer our corn on the cob or freshly popped. Stick to what you're good at and, in this case, it's growing corn, not sugar.

Tell us

What would you name HFCS if you had the chance? Do you think more transparency in food labeling would cause people to think twice before they ate it?

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Comments

Comments on "5 New names for HFCS that the FDA might just approve"

Kelly January 18, 2014 | 7:31 AM

Maybe we should just stop called some things "food" - anything with an ingredient list of more than one item - is NOT something that is health for us. Back to meat, potatoes, veggies and fruit...IF you can afford them.

andrew dube January 07, 2014 | 8:27 AM

I stopped eating everything that contain HFCS 4 years ago I have lost 90 pounds and I am feeling much better.No more diabetes what a relief.Thank U for not changing the name.That stuff will kill you.

Henrietta August 12, 2013 | 12:31 PM

HFCS gives me gas. I would name it corny-farty.

Dave June 08, 2012 | 4:25 PM

Since most of the corn they use is GMO, maybe they can get their presence in food removed from labeling reguirements like their GMO cousins.

Keely June 06, 2012 | 1:40 PM

Love the article, although the last statement is incorrect. Corn is a grain not a vegetable and we really shouldn't perpetuate the misunderstanding.

Laura June 05, 2012 | 2:34 PM

LOVE this! I'm very anti-HFCS and couldn't be more pleased with the FDA's decision.

Joe June 05, 2012 | 12:51 PM

I’m sure everyone would stop drinking their favorite soda if they knew it contained “liquid cankles!” “Chemical [expletive] storm” sounds like a biological weapon! If you go to a bar and order an “Obesitini” that means it’s time for rehab! “Sweet death syrup” sounds too endearing and means you can keep on eating HFCS! Of all the names listed in this article, “Diabetic deathtrap” is probably the scariest!

Caitlin June 05, 2012 | 10:43 AM

This is hilarious--and accurate.

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