I'm a chef, cookbook author and mom of two. I should be eating well all the time. I don't.
We all know that Taco Bell is horrible and the punchline of endless bathroom jokes, but the truth is, it’s actually wonderful even if the bathroom stuff is true. In fact, the only way Taco Bell could feasibly be any better is if it tricked out the bathrooms with bidets and potpourri and attendants that could bring you magazines. You know what you are getting into when you go into the Taco Bell, and you flat-out do not care.
Taco Bell is known for being edgy by doing things like being in your face on Twitter, inventing an AI TacoBot and serving Mountain Dew. Where it proves it is winning the Battle of Millennial-targeted Advertising is with its smartphone app, which is straight-up porn for people who can’t sleep and think actual sex is too much work. This app has given me have an encyclopedic knowledge of the menu. Here’s the best of it:
The second-greatest flaw crunch tacos have is that they shatter after the first bite, forcing you to cradle the remainder in your cupped hands to eat like a pig from a trough. Absolutely terrible design, yet we suffer it because tacos are still perfection, even with faults.
Thanks to Taco Bell's breakthroughs in engineering, tacos have been made structurally stable by means of wrapping them in a pliable gordita, which is glued to the crunchy tortilla shell with some form of cheese product. The Bell knows that when I'm in congress with tacos, I'm usually not in my right state of mind to be solving problems. I appreciate how considerate they are of that fact.
The greatest flaw in taco design is the physics of filling. When you bite into a crunchy taco, regardless of a gordita wrapping, it creates pressure that shoots the filling out of the opposite end like a meat-filled piñata. You wouldn’t think it, but as someone who has repeatedly lived it, ground beef in the cleavage is no bueno.
So we go back to the intrepid minds at Taco Bell’s engineering laboratory*! They change the shape by omitting the curved taco shell, instead using two tostadas to sandwich all that delicious ground beef and "supremeness" together. Then all 360 degrees of its edges are sealed by wrapping it in a tortilla coated in cheese, then pressed in a griddle to stick the whole monster all together (cheese is the hot glue of the fast-food world).
*I’m pretty sure this is a real thing. I at least like to pretend it is.
Maybe you’re heading to work and think, “You know what? I can’t wait until till noon to make poor decisions.” Maybe you want to play breakfast Russian roulette. Maybe you don’t want to have another humdrum day on the job. Maybe you want to live dangerously, hanging on the edge and wondering if you’ll emerge at 5 p.m. victorious over deep-fried, cheese-stuffed bread filled with bacon, eggs, cheese and french fries. Maybe you can do it. Maybe you’re a champion.
This is a burrito that replaces the soft tortilla with a gigantic cheese quesadilla. This isn’t a good idea, but at the same time, it’s the most brilliant idea I’ve ever heard of. I think that sentence describes the entirety of Taco Bell better than any corporate slogan they can think of.
Before you go, check out The Taco Cleanse
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