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The 10 most shocking revelations in Chick-fil-A's 'secret' coleslaw recipe

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

Chick-fil-A has revealed its coleslaw recipe, and man oh man, you won't believe what's in it

Chick-fil-A recently (sort of) announced that in certain markets it'll be ditching one its menu's staple side dishes, coleslaw, in favor of some kale-y thing that will maybe make you feel better about eating a deep-fried chicken patty.

Are you shocked? So were we — we had no idea people actually ate coleslaw anymore! But don't despair if you too are a fan of fast-food cabbage salad, because now, for the first time in history, we mere mortals will be able to make the very same coleslaw that passed between the hallowed lips of Truett Cathy himself.

This is not a drill, people: Chick-fil-A has released its extra-super-duper, practically inimitable coleslaw recipe to little old us.

Of course, by "little old us," we mean the Internet and the rest of the world at large. And by "practically inimitable," we mean... this tidbit posted on the Facebook page Chickfil A Pelham Road:

View post on imgur.com

After scouring the recipe for hours, we were shocked — shocked, we say — at the following revelations:

1. Chick-fil-A coleslaw doesn't call for just vinegar

That's right, friends. This enigma of a side dish also uses a rare condiment known as mayonnaise. We're told it's made from eggs. If you ever find some, please let us know.

2. Truett Cathy was a saucy minx

How else would you explain the addition of "finely chopped carrots" when everyone else is using "finely grated carrots"? Ever the pioneer, that Cathy.

3. Fast-food empires are built on the foundation of a 1,000 standard cards in your — and everyone else's — grammy's recipe box

A little Googling turned up the absolutely awesome experience of learning that this recipe for coleslaw is almost exactly like your standard coleslaw recipe courtesy of your coleslaw-loving nana, give or take a diced onion here or some poppy seeds there. (Poppy seeds? Gam-gam, you naughty girl!)

More: Copycat Chick-fil-A sandwich for when you don't want to put on pants

4. Twuett Caffie was shooo shweet!

Chicken visionary Cathy bucked trends when he tempered the acidity of his famous coleslaw with sugar. Sugar! Just imagine! Unlike another coleslaw, which also uses sugar to — wait. We might be getting confused.

5. That's not love you're tasting

Sometimes when you ask someone what the secret ingredient in their coleslaw is, they'll say "love," and you'll know they're full of s***, but clearly they don't want to tell you what it is, and really, you don't care, because you were just making conversation, so you laugh at their awful joke.

Well, good news! There's no love in this coleslaw, just bagged cabbage.That's right — turns out the key to passable (?) coleslaw is two big ol' bags of cabbage. The less work and more apathy you can get away with, the better.

6. The key to maybe delicious mass-produced side dishes is dried spices

Some people will tell you that when it comes to coleslaw, the only good mustard is prepared mustard. But that's just not true! If you have to make massive batches of it for people to throw away immediately when they get home, only dried mustard will do. I mean, once you've mixed a trash bag of cabbage into a small silo of mayonnaise, prepared mustard isn't adding much but volume, OK?

7. There's poison hiding in there

That's right. A known mix of sodium and chloride is lurking in between cabbage shreds, just waiting for you to get sloppy about your "no eating poison" rule. Oh, hang on. We're getting confused again. That's just salt, actually. Or is it? Yes, yes it is.

More: 11 Popular copycat recipes you need in your life

8. Chick-fil-A coleslaw will serve six people who are bonkers about 'slaw

Or eight who are just being polite.

9. Some people are actually bonkers about coleslaw

Like this lady:

And this guy:

More: 14 Healthy food swaps that make eating better a breeze

10. Not enough people are talking about this

Seriously, people? This is Chick-fil-A we're talking about. If their 86-ing an unpopular side dish to replace it with a trendy kale thing and then releasing the recipe so that people who haven't heard of food blogs or Siri and love good ol'-fashioned, God-fearin' chicken don't swear at them on Twitter isn't groundbreaking culinary news, then really, what is?

Chick-fil-A has revealed its coleslaw recipe, and man oh man, you won't believe what's in it
Image: manilasocialclub/Instagram

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