Chick-fil-A recently (sort of) announced that in certain markets it'll be ditching one its menu's staple side dishes, coleslaw, in favor of some kale-y thing that will maybe make you feel better about eating a deep-fried chicken patty.
Are you shocked? So were we — we had no idea people actually ate coleslaw anymore! But don't despair if you too are a fan of fast-food cabbage salad, because now, for the first time in history, we mere mortals will be able to make the very same coleslaw that passed between the hallowed lips of Truett Cathy himself.
This is not a drill, people: Chick-fil-A has released its extra-super-duper, practically inimitable coleslaw recipe to little old us.
Of course, by "little old us," we mean the Internet and the rest of the world at large. And by "practically inimitable," we mean... this tidbit posted on the Facebook page Chickfil A Pelham Road:
After scouring the recipe for hours, we were shocked — shocked, we say — at the following revelations:
That's right, friends. This enigma of a side dish also uses a rare condiment known as mayonnaise. We're told it's made from eggs. If you ever find some, please let us know.
How else would you explain the addition of "finely chopped carrots" when everyone else is using "finely grated carrots"? Ever the pioneer, that Cathy.
A little Googling turned up the absolutely awesome experience of learning that this recipe for coleslaw is almost exactly like your standard coleslaw recipe courtesy of your coleslaw-loving nana, give or take a diced onion here or some poppy seeds there. (Poppy seeds? Gam-gam, you naughty girl!)
Chicken visionary Cathy bucked trends when he tempered the acidity of his famous coleslaw with sugar. Sugar! Just imagine! Unlike another coleslaw, which also uses sugar to — wait. We might be getting confused.
Sometimes when you ask someone what the secret ingredient in their coleslaw is, they'll say "love," and you'll know they're full of s***, but clearly they don't want to tell you what it is, and really, you don't care, because you were just making conversation, so you laugh at their awful joke.
Well, good news! There's no love in this coleslaw, just bagged cabbage.That's right — turns out the key to passable (?) coleslaw is two big ol' bags of cabbage. The less work and more apathy you can get away with, the better.
Some people will tell you that when it comes to coleslaw, the only good mustard is prepared mustard. But that's just not true! If you have to make massive batches of it for people to throw away immediately when they get home, only dried mustard will do. I mean, once you've mixed a trash bag of cabbage into a small silo of mayonnaise, prepared mustard isn't adding much but volume, OK?
That's right. A known mix of sodium and chloride is lurking in between cabbage shreds, just waiting for you to get sloppy about your "no eating poison" rule. Oh, hang on. We're getting confused again. That's just salt, actually. Or is it? Yes, yes it is.
Or eight who are just being polite.
Like this lady:
And this guy:
my family just figured out that chick fil-a is taking coleslaw off the menu and i have never heard more anguished gasps in my life— gay space rocks (@theoisweird) January 6, 2016
Seriously, people? This is Chick-fil-A we're talking about. If their 86-ing an unpopular side dish to replace it with a trendy kale thing and then releasing the recipe so that people who haven't heard of food blogs or Siri and love good ol'-fashioned, God-fearin' chicken don't swear at them on Twitter isn't groundbreaking culinary news, then really, what is?
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