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How to stock your kitchen for an earthquake, according to hipsters

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

Website seeks to 'Keep Portland Weird' in the event of an earthquake, starting with these must-have kitchen items

"Creative technical digital agency" Oblio came up with this bizarre alphabetized list of things every Portland, Oregon, hipster needs just in case "the big one" hits.

The list is, in some ways, an answer to the scary speculation lately that a fault line in the Cascadia subduction zone in the Pacific Northwest has the potential to reduce Seattle, Tacoma, Olympia, Portland, Eugene and Salem to rubble — and kill 13,000 people.

Website seeks to 'Keep Portland Weird' in the event of an earthquake, starting with these must-have kitchen items
Image: Christopher Porter/Flickr

Oblio notes that it could have done something informational but that the interactive A-Z hipster-flavored preparedness guide was a lot more fun. In the About section of the website, it declares: "The earthquake may take away our electricity, but it will never take away our eccentricity!"

So what does the hipster kitchen look like after the shaking stops? Like this:

1. B: It is well prepped for brunch

According to the site, "brunch will find a way," and it suggests Portlanders stock up on powdered eggs and jerky to make hash. Don't do that. Never stock up on powdered eggs.

2. D: It has Dulse, the bacon-flavored seaweed snack

This snack fulfills two needs hipsters have: the need to be annoying about bacon and the need to pretend to like seaweed.

More: New seaweed that tastes like bacon is a superfood we can all get behind

3. F: It has a French press (I guess these hipsters don't know cold brew is king)

"Because instant coffee isn't going to cut it." On this, we agree, Portlanders. There really is no excuse for Sanka.

4. H: There will be hops...

For your microbrew, of course. There's no reason the end of the world has to keep you from trying to outdo your friends with your cruddy bucket beer.

More: How to stock your pantry for the end of the world

5. K: ...and kale chips

I love that the picture Oblio used to illustrate the concept of kale is someone crying. There truly is no more apt a depiction than that.

6. L: Of course, some "libations"

I don't know why it labeled booze "libations" instead of "liquor," but I can guess. I suppose if you have "mustache wax" on your list of emergency items, it's only natural for you to choose the fancier-sounding of all possible monikers.

7. Q: It has quinoa, and presumably someone to remind you that it's pronounced "KEEN-wah"

The website chastises, "You weren't thinking of stocking rice, were you? Your world may be falling to pieces, but that's no reason to eat empty carbs." Um, excuse me, but there is never not a reason to eat empty carbs.

More: Home design for the hard-core doomsday prepper in all of us

Sure, these are ridiculous, but it's all in good fun. After all, this guide also lists "jorts" as must-have. Unironically, even, as though we live in a world without a social contract that prevents someone with even a modicum of self-respect from wearing jorts.

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