These videos are almost universally awful, and the more they attempt to be "cool," "topical" or "relevant," the more awful they are — hilariously so. Never has that been more true than in the case of the 1989 "Grill Skill" training video from Wendy's. I've watched a lot of training videos, Internet, and I am here to tell you that this video is a gift. A pure, beautiful gift that was meant to be treasured and enjoyed and preserved in the annals of history. Are you ready to feel the happiest you've felt all day?
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Grab your hairnet, and let's get started!
Our story begins with Bill, a young fry cook, on a very big day: the day his manager pulls him off fries to train him on the grill. All of this takes place in a fictional universe where people are happy to begin their shifts at Wendy's.
Without washing his hands, Bill joins his manager, Mary, up by the grill, where she repeats for the third time in three minutes that Wendy's patties are square so they will hang over the bun. We get it, Mary. That's when Mary tells Bill he has to watch the grill-training video, and that, my friends, is where things start to get a little bonkers.
Oh man, don't you hate it when your CRT/VHS combo starts to shake and smoke...
...and the Duke of the Grill pops out and sucks you back into his crazy alternate universe with him to force you to listen to a rap about meat patties?
Bill doesn't. Bill is acting surprisingly chill for a young man who is getting paid only four bucks an hour, which was the minimum wage back when burger raps were cool.
Speaking of burger raps, this is where it gets totally tubular, because the Duke of the Grill is ready to lay some burgers on the grill and some grill skill on Bill.
The Duke lays down some basics on Bill, including grill temperature (two-five-oh) and the importance of keeping your station clean, and then — because the good folks at Wendy's weren't sure they covered everything the kids might be into these days — riffs out a sweet guitar solo on his golden spatula.
A trio of singing meat patties makes an appearance, seemingly unperturbed by the notion that a completed burger will look "gray and moist," a wholly unacceptable combination of words.
Bill eventually goes on to do a squeaky, uncomfortable version of the rap under the Duke's watchful eye, even though you can't help but notice he still hasn't washed his hands.
Anyway, he makes it out of this horrorscape alive, only to be told by Mary that she's ready to train him on the grill. We go through all the information in the rap again, until Mary tells Bill it's time to get started.
Bill, don't listen to her! It's time to wash your hands, Bill!
Oh, Bill. Why?
The entire video ends on a high note, with the grill cooks of 1989 Wendy's — aka "The Crew" — singing a jazzy, saxophone-backed version of the "Grill Skill" song, looking happy as can be.
And ultimately, Bill never washes his hands.
That about covers the official Best Thing You Will See on the Internet this week, but here's the video in full if you want to live the grill skill experience, which you do.
All images: Matthew Perdue/YouTube
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