She has no allergies, but she's gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb, organic and vegan — and did she mention for the hundredth time yet that it all has to be paleo, too? You really don't mind any of that (it's her business what she puts in her body, right?)… Except that all she can talk about the whole meal is all the poison you're eating.
How to deal: Change the subject to politics or religion.
No matter what you say, she's had something more gourmet, expensive or exotic, probably in another country and cooked by an authentic grandmother using 100-year-old traditional cookware.
How to deal: Stick to lower-end American food joints when you go out with her and she'll have less to talk about. If she does start up, tell her you and your hubby are planning a romantic food tour and ask her to name the best thing she's had in every restaurant she's ever been to. Hey, if you can't get a word in edgewise, at least she'll have plenty to talk about while you eat. Just throw in an "o-o-o" and "a-a-ah" so she'll think you're suitably impressed.
She couldn't boil hot dogs to save her life, but she insists the sommelier choose the wine because "we're in his expert hands" only to complain she'd have gone with cabernet, "but he's young; he'll learn."
How to deal: Hand her a pen and paper and tell her she should write down all her thoughts about the meal so she can blog it. It's hard to write and gripe at the same time, after all.
She has to take a pic of everything she eats to post to Instagram. Wouldn't be that bothersome except that includes your food, which is always cold by the time she's done setting up and getting the perfect shot.
How to deal: Start your own Instagram and blog your own food so she can Regram them. Your pics won't look as good as hers since your real goal is to just eat your freaking food, so tell her yours is less about the food and more about capturing an instant in the moment — as you actually saw it. Sounds artsy, huh?
No matter where she eats and what she orders, she could've made it better. She can make a flakier pie crust than "The Crustmaster" himself and is always disappointed by Bobby Flay's incomplete descriptions of the different types of peppers. She probably has an herb garden and maybe even a backyard garden (weather and room permitting).
How to deal: Ask her for recipes and tips. She'll forget all about the judge-fest when she's talking about what she does.
She loves to go to ethnic restaurants just to prove she can pronounce everything on the menu accurately, but predictably, tonight, the Spanish waiter is fighting the urge to roll his eyes when she says "Bar-the-lona."
How to deal: Start discussing Southern food. Chances are, she won't launch into a Texas accent just to say "biscuits and gravy" and unless you're from Georgia, it's hard to make "grits" two syllables even in the South.
She's convinced the only place you can get a truly gourmet meal and still be hip is any place that serves food outdoors. We all love food trucks, but sometimes, you just want food served up with a side of protection from the elements.
How to deal: Come prepared. Battery-powered personal fans for the summer, large umbrellas for rain and wearing layers (upon layers) during the winter. And don't forget the hand wipes.
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