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Taco Tuesday death match: Tacos vs. kale

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

It's the best day of the week: Taco Tuesday!

In honor of the occasion, we've decided to pit delicious tacos and reigning health food champion kale against each other in a delicious fight to the death. Who will come out on top?

Face-off #1: More delicious in a tortilla

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

Tacos: Tacos were placed on their rightful tortilla thrones by the taco gods on Mount Gordita in ancient times. Sour cream, seasoned meat and lettuce shreds are all more delicious when swaddled in a corn or flour blanket.

Points: 86

Kale: Kale still tastes like grass clippings no matter what you wrap it in. In fact, you might as well just wrap kale in a bigger piece of kale instead of defiling a tortilla.

Points: 0.5

Face-off #2: Portability

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

Tacos: Tacos are perfectly made for portability. Especially soft ones, because then you can swaddle up that taco deliciousness into a neatly wrapped snack you can enjoy while you are scuba diving, horseback riding or learning how to crochet doilies.

Points: 50

Kale: Kale is a big leaf, so it seems like it would be pretty portable, but it wilts really fast, and you also look silly carrying it around.

Points: 3

Face-off #3: Green-ness

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

Tacos: Tacos are only a little green, like when they have a lot of lettuce or salsa verde and sometimes if the meat has turned.

Points: 2

Kale: Kale is extra-super-duper green. It has to have something going for it.

Points: 15

Face-off #4: Better with condiments

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

Tacos: Tacos are a practically perfect vehicle for condiments, limited only by your imagination and how ready you are to spill hot sauce down your shirt. If you like a condiment, then there is a taco for you. Hot sauce? Tacos gringos. Salsa? Tacos al pastor. Wasabi lime crema? Seared ahi tuna tacos. Mustard? You are not welcome here.

Points: 68

Kale: Kale actually gets negative points due to the fact that no matter what condiment you try to drown it in it still tastes like kale.

Points: -12

Face-off #5: Best at having days named after it

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

Tacos: It's Taco Tuesday as we speak, the most magical day of the week besides Friday!

Points: 100

Kale: Kale technically does have a day named after it. Oct. 1 is National Kale Day, but you probably didn't even know that, and no one looks forward to it ever.

Points: 1

And the winner?

Tacos take on everyone's favorite health food in a gladiatorial combat

Image: Giphy

It's pretty clear that with the score sitting here at 306 to 7.5 in tacos' favor, the winner of this week's inaugural Taco Tuesday death match is tacos by a massive landslide. Don't feel bad, kale. It's nothing personal; it's just that you are a flavorless trend food that used to be a garnish before rich hipsters discovered you at Whole Foods. Better luck next time!

More on Taco Tuesday

Meatless Monday: Lentil tacos for a vegetarian twist on Mexican
Funnel cake tacos are the ultimate dinner indulgence
Change up taco night with spicy sweet potato tacos

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