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10 Pumpkin spice foods that have no excuse for existing

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Dear world, no one wants pumpkin-flavored gum.

Ah, autumn. There is a crispness to the air, the crunch of leaves underfoot and pumpkin spice flavor pumped into pretty much anything you might be inclined to put into your mouth hole this fall.

I've watched the pumpkin spice phenomenon from afar as someone who dislikes gourds as a rule. Look at them over there, all squishy and bland. Thinking they're so special. I don't have anything against the combination of cloves, ginger, cinnamon and nutmeg. All I'm saying is it ain't all that, OK?

Well, apparently I'm in the minority, because pumpkin spice has officially jumped the shark. What started as a cloying, festive coffee drink has now morphed into a DayGlo orange juggernaut, with people awaiting pumpkin spice season with the same excitement typically reserved for Christmas. But has it gone too far? Look at these 10 unholy abominations, and decide for yourself.

1. Candy corn

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Amazon

Why does this even exist? There is such a small window in which it is even acceptable to buy candy corn and pretend like you're going to eat it, seeing as it is by far one of the grossest candies on offer all year. This is bandwagoning, pure and simple.

2. Coconut milk

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: So Delicious Dairy Free

Hey, I'm not dissing coconut milk. We are a house of jacked-up stomachs, so I've had my fair share of it. It's gross. Presumably this is an attempt to make it even grosser.

3. Yogurt

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Chobani

Now, to be fair, I am kind of anti-yogurt. It's not the yogurt — it's me. I know it's good for me, so I massage my throat until the yogurt slithers past my gag reflex, but isn't this kind of counterintuitive? I mean, pumpkin spice is a warm flavor, right? It evokes that cozied-up-to-the-fire feeling? So why are we mixing it into our cold dairy breakfasts now?

4. Um, kale?

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Alive & Radiant

This is trendy food critical mass here, people. Kale went from being a garnish to being a very en vogue food. Now we're caking it in pumpkin spice, and I'm beginning to understand why we can't have nice things.

5. Mints

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Amazon

Though the idea of pumpkin spice mints churns my stomach, even I'm intrigued by this great copy: "Pumpkin Spice Ice Chips are your gateway treat to the holidays. A hearty fall flavor that prepares your tastes for all the splendors of winter feasts." It makes it sound like, in a matter of mere weeks, you'll be mainlining eggnog and snorting peppermint dust.

6. Gum

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Amazon

For the people who can't stand to not have pumpkin-y goodness coating their mouth for even one single moment, there's pumpkin spice gum.

7. Oreos

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Amazon

Oreo is going through a phase right now, so I guess I can forgive them for this, since there's no way these are nearly as gross as the root beer float-flavored Oreos, right?

8. Vinegar

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Olive Oil Store

No. No, we did not need pumpkin spice-flavored balsamic vinegar. What would you even put this in, except for the latte of someone you hate?

9. Hummus

Insanity tastes like nutmeg and pumpkin with these 10 foods we never wanted

Photo credit: Cedar's

Mmmm... chickpeas and sweet pumpkin. Presumably you would scoop this out onto pumpkin spice-flavored Oreos, wash it down with some pumpkin spice-flavored coconut milk and then try to get the taste out of your mouth with some pumpkin spice gum.

10. Burgers

Hey, you know what goes great with garlic aioli? Pumpkin pie-spiced mascarpone and some coffee molasses drizzle, according to Umami Burger. Can you hear my stomach crying? Because it is.

More on pumpkin-flavored treats

How to make your own pumpkin spice-flavored almond milk
Low-carb pumpkin cheesecake smoothie
Pumpkin ice cream with bacon

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