As both a mother and a lover of stuff I can shove into my mouth, I am begging moms everywhere to stop changing their babies in restaurants.
I am no stranger to the impromptu diaper change. I have changed my baby in the trunk of my car, on top of my shaking knees in a toilet stall with my legs stretched straight out and on a bench in a deserted Atlanta botanical garden in the rain.
It sucks when businesses or spaces don't provide a changing table, but that said, there is no way I will ever be Team Two-top Diaper Change. Once again, some entitled mom did the old revenge diaper change on a table, but this time it went too far. This woman changed her baby at a Chipotle.
You don't put the baby poop in the same place the delicious burritos go. You just don't. I know there are people who will say that that's what this restaurant deserves for not providing a changing table. But I can guarantee you that you are not sticking it to "The Man" when you change poo in full sight of some underpaid employees and a host of diners just trying to enjoy some delicious guac, OK?
Hell, even this lady's husband said he thinks she was being unsavory, unlike delicious adobo-marinated meat. Here are all the reasons you don't change your baby on a Chipotle dining room table.
1. While a swaddled baby looks like a delicious burrito, you might be surprised to know they are not burritos at all. For this reason alone, they don't belong on the table.
2. Even though it is completely appropriate for adults to poop in the Chipotle dining room if the toilet is out of order, the same is not true of babies.
3. While it's true that everyone loves your specific child and everything it does — including evacuation — not everyone has suppressed their gag reflex as thoroughly as you have.
4. Cilantro smells bad enough without the addition of baby dookins.
5. It's true that the world owes you everything because you had a baby, but there are way less gross methods of unleashing your wrath upon the general manager of a Tex-Mex restaurant who failed to add a diaper changing station to a franchise he or she had no input whatsoever in building. You could trash their Yelp page, for instance, or hurl profanity at them.
6. A really hungry diner might accidentally try to eat your baby because it is on the table.
7. What if you accidentally use guacamole as a diaper ointment?
8. Because it's gross, and if you do it, that makes you kind of a douche.
More on dining out as a family
Dining out with babies: Dos and dont's
Should parents clean up after their kids in restaurants?
You need to bring your baby to the bar more often