"Shia LaBouf and Ryan Gosling should have a contest to see who can take themselves more seriously."
"If my mother was an evil villain, she would kill people by suffocating them inside giant Tupperware containers."
"It's so strange that we put deodorant on our armpits but not our buttcracks."
"Ah, awards season. Or as I know it, the time of year I learn that I'm too fat for all my suits."
"I'm currently at a weight where people look disappointed when they see me."
"Honey is probably the most delicious insect secretion."
"Dear Rappers: Please stop putting 'skits' on your albums. They are not funny and make it hard to play your albums at parties. Thank you."
"I don't care if saying this officially makes me old: Kids today have f*****g stupid-looking hair."
"I have to fire my agent. I wanted to audition to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend, but she told me it was offer only."
"It's not sad or unhealthy to be barbecuing a steak alone at midnight, right?"
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