On fellow actors
"Shia LaBouf and Ryan Gosling should have a contest to see who can take themselves more seriously."
On his mom's evil ways
"If my mother was an evil villain, she would kill people by suffocating them inside giant Tupperware containers."
"It's so strange that we put deodorant on our armpits but not our buttcracks."
On the pains of awards season
"Ah, awards season. Or as I know it, the time of year I learn that I'm too fat for all my suits."
On the never-ending battle with his weight
"I'm currently at a weight where people look disappointed when they see me."
On the deliciousness of honey
"Honey is probably the most delicious insect secretion."
On the ridiculous things rappers do
"Dear Rappers: Please stop putting 'skits' on your albums. They are not funny and make it hard to play your albums at parties. Thank you."
On kids these days
"I don't care if saying this officially makes me old: Kids today have f*****g stupid-looking hair."
On being Tom Cruise's main squeeze
"I have to fire my agent. I wanted to audition to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend, but she told me it was offer only."
On the most awesome evening ever
"It's not sad or unhealthy to be barbecuing a steak alone at midnight, right?"
Read on for more celebrity birthdays
Photo credit: Brian To/WENN.com