(Disclaimer: We’re joking. Fergie isn’t re-writing her songs as far as we know. But if she was, here is what the new titles would be…)
The Fergster needs to re-write this ASAP. If Fergie is like every other female mammal that gives birth, “them boys won’t go loco,” or be “lining down the block to see what she’s got” because they know what she’s got. A newborn, and the stretch marks, purple veins, and bologna-size nipples that go with it. Fergs is going to be feeling a little chubbalicious for a while, but like most celebs she’ll likely be back to her Fergalicious self virtually overnight.
Lactating mommies feel me right now. When the Ferglet is born, he or she will turn Mommy Fergie into a human milk machine. She’ll feel “that future flow” but it won’t have anything to do with her cool factor and the only thing going “apesh**” when she walks in a room will be her hungry baby.
When Fergie said “S*** just got real,” she had no idea how literal that's about to become. So what is Fergie going to think about “all that junk, all that junk” in her baby’s… diaper? That’s the fabulous thing about babies: they're the greatest equalizer. No matter how glamorous or famous a mommy is, her baby is still going to fill a diaper and at first, Mommy is going to have to change that diaper. Lucky for Fergie, moms think everything their babies do is delightful and cute. Fergie is also fortunate that “My Humps” lyrics weren’t terribly complicated to begin with, so changing them should be easy.
“You must have caught amnesia.” Complex and thought-provoking lyrics notwithstanding, Fergie is going to feel like she “caught amnesia” after her little love is born. Most new moms will tell you that they delivered half of their brain cells with their newborns, and can’t remember a thing. Exhaustion is more to blame than amnesia, because once the baby is 6 months old, you start to form cohesive thoughts again. Shwew! Once her baby is a bit older, Fergie can get back to writing catchy, get-your-lady-humps-on-the-dance-floor tunes again.
Awww! What Fergie is about to learn is all the on-demand feedings that make you feel like a dairy cow, and the stretch marks, and the extra layer of fat, and the bologna nipples, and the stinky diapers and the sleepless nights are worth it. Only a baby could make all this OK, and Fergie’s baby is lucky to have a talented momma to sing him or her to sleep.
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