Ashley, a hairstylist from Michigan (who clearly spends way too much time alone in her apartment) opened with, “Have you read any good books lately?” Not bad. Not terribly original, but not bad. But then she revealed herself to be a total whack job by telling Sean she has read Fifty Shades of Grey and then pulled a gray tie from her dress and said, “Maybe you can teach me how to use this later.” Sean responded with several silent moments and a look that said, “I’m gonna freakin’ junk punch the producers when the cameras stop rolling.” Ashley rolled her eyes and said, “Crazy.” We couldn’t agree more.
Little Lesley, from Washington, D.C., thought she’d win Sean over by bringing a football and pretending to run a play so Sean would bend over, enabling Lesley to stare at Sean’s backside for several awkward moments. Hey honey, maybe that is how politicians have come on to you in D.C., but no one, particularly Sean, was in love with your pickup move. In the intro, Lesley said she hadn’t had any luck with guys in D.C. A 25-year-old blonde lives in a city filled with politicians and hasn’t had any luck with guys? Red. Flag.
In probably what will become the most memorable introduction in the history of The Bachelor, Robyn, an oilfield account manager and engineer, stepped out of the limo and began doing backflips. She butchered the second flip and took an a** plant on the cobblestone. Priceless. Earlier in the show she said that she’s dated engineers, but they were “socially awkward.” Yeah. Because doing gymnastics in a long cocktail dress on national TV in front of millions of viewers, and then falling, isn’t. Engineers have a reputation for taking things too literally. “Falling for you" is an expression. It’s not something you do when the cameras are rolling.
Some of the girls tried to be memorable by tying their introduction to their job. Jackie, a cosmetics consultant, strutted up to Sean and said, “I’m going to put my mark on you.” Huh? Why did that make us think that Sean was a tree and Jackie was a male dog? That just doesn’t sound right. Jackie whipped out a tube of flaming red lipstick, smeared it all over her lips, and kissed Sean on the cheek. Yeah, guys love it when you plaster lipstick all over their face, making them look like they are 6 years old, and the victim of their smelly aunt.
Daniella, the commercial casting associate, embarked on an awkward handshake with Sean, making her look like a Napoleon Dynamite reject. We’re guessing that played out better in her head. Katie, the yoga instructor didn’t wear any shoes. Kelly, the cruise ship entertainer, belted out a cringeworthy song after meeting Sean for 2 seconds. But our favorite occupation of the evening was Paige, the Jumbotron operator. As my aunt pointed out, isn’t “Jumbotron operator” just a nice way of saying “Carnie”?
Tierra (sounds like a bit of an adult film actress name, but we’ll let it slide) introduced herself, sans footballs, lipstick, poorly executed backflips, or gray ties. She smiled, gave Sean a big hug, and he asked her to give him a minute — and walked away! What was Sean doing? Was he going to kick Chris’ ass for the freak show parade? Was he leaving? No. Sean thought Tierra was so sweet, outgoing, and had such positive energy that he gave her a rose right then and there! It was a very romantic and spontaneous gesture on Sean’s part (sigh) and Tierra was overjoyed, but it also made her public enemy No. 1 with the rest of the girls.
The moral of the story for the next season of The Bachelor? Skip the cheesy tricks and keep it real.
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