We've Got Your Back For The Apocalypse

What if Dec. 21 is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse? Will you be prepared?

Zombie Apocalypse

I watched a lot of The Walking Dead and Zombieland. I may have nightmare about the flesh-eating undead for all of 2013, but by golly, I'll get you through this mess!

  • Don't trust anyone... not even little girls
    This should be simple enough to figure out. In dire times, like zombie apocalypses, it's best not to trust anyone. This isn't even a new concept. Doesn't anyone remember the beginning of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake? Once again, another creepy little girl.

  • Don't go to the city
    Just like with terrorists, people who want to hurt others are going to turn up where there's the largest amount of people. Plus, once someone in that city is bitten, it's only a matter of time before zombie cooties spread like wildfire around town. Ick.He's totally banging your wife
  • Never trust your partner with your wife
    This seems like common sense. If you've got a partner and you've got a wife... inevitably the two will start sleeping together. This may seem unrelated to zombies, but here's the thing: You need to have as many people on your side as possible. Having an awkward or angry riff between you and your buddy or your wife isn't going to help you survive.
  • Don't use your gun unless you must, but when you do, shoot twice
    There are multiple layers to this rule. First, as you may know from watching The Walking Dead (if you're brave enough), zombies are attracted to sound. Unless you've got a silencer, your gun is going to make a lot of noise. Also, in a post-apocalyptic setting, it's only a matter of time before you run out of bullets. If you can escape without dwindling your stock, that's better. However, if you must use your gun, shoot 'em twice. Those zombies are tricky b*st*rds.
  • Don't wear fancy perfume
    Leave your Burberry Brit and Chanel No. 5 on your dresser back home. If you're ever swarmed by zombies the only way to escape might be to convince them that you, too, are a zombie. Smelling pretty may help you get lucky in the woods with your hubby's partner, but it's not going to fend off the zombies. Try to smell as awful as possible. Don't be afraid to wipe zombie blood on your clothing... just don't get it on you.

Most importantly...

  • Don't forget your banjo
    Remember that scene in Zombieland when Woody Harrelson takes out a zombie with a banjo smack in the face? Yeah. Banjos are for more than just pickin' and grinnin'. (Though, that would certainly be nice, too. Once you're out of other entertainment options.)

Good luck out there tomorrow! And remember: Zombies are faster than they seem.

Images courtesy of AMC

Tags: end of the world zombies

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Comments

Comments on "In case of zombie apocalypse: Don't do these things"

DatGurl January 22, 2013 | 8:47 AM

Yes What I think is not to go into any stores at frist. Why, Because thats where everyone will be going! Then, try to go into the woods, or if there is no woods or anything stay inside. Try to get as smelly as possible. Like they said.

Daniel December 30, 2012 | 6:48 AM

If the world does end up with zombies trying to eat your face off I think every one should buy guns even myself I have a 22 rifle, I got for my last birth-day. First aid kit. And 500 bullets some food. and good survival stuff all packed in three bags. And Slumdog you seem prepared good job

BOB December 20, 2012 | 4:51 PM

YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!! THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO BE OVERRUN BE NONEXISTENT ZOMBIE FREAKS. AND IF YOU BELIVE THOESE CRAPPY MOVIES ABOUT APOCLEPSYS THAN I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TALK TO A PSYCIATRIST.

Deirdre December 20, 2012 | 3:45 PM

NICE, slumdog! Can you come protect our house? Everyone here has lousy aim.

slumdog December 20, 2012 | 2:49 PM

People just aren't taking this seriously.In several hours we could possible be under a full blown zombie apocalypse.Whilst browning the net for useful ideas I came across your site.Although these tips are useful, I feel you should be more aware of what is coming.I have a .22 rifle ,canned food supplies and first aid items ready for a quick escape.I suggest readers be prepared.The Apocalypse is and will be coming.

Katie December 20, 2012 | 1:30 PM

Haha great read!! Thanks for the laughs!

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