Why drag things out? Here's the basic gist of everything that happened on the latest episode of Gossip Girl:
Steven (Barry Watson) bought a ring because he's "in love" with Serena (Blake Lively). Serena was thrilled. Sage was not.
So, Sage and Blair (Leighton Meester) worked together to come up with a scheme to delay Steven from proposing to Serena.
Meanwhile, Blair called Lily and played the concerned BFF. She reminded Mrs. Bass how S has a tendency to fall in love with every guy she dates. When Steven showed up to get Lily's permission, she could no longer offer it.
That's OK, though. It wasn't needed.
First, Steven decided he didn't care what Lily thought. He still wanted to marry Serena. How noble.
Except that when Sage realized her big plan wasn't working, she changed gears. She swiped Georgina's phone, which was loaded with scandalous footage of Serena and Humphrey (Penn Badgley). Then, she had it play on the big screen during the cotillion. That's one way to skin a socialite.
Of things Steven was willing to overlook, this wasn't one of them. He dumped Serena, claiming she had too much baggage. Well, duh.
Sage's date to the cotillion, Nate (Chase Crawford), was also unimpressed with Sage's antics.
"You may be legal," he said. "But this is way too high school for me."
Yes, it was high school! And that, dear Nate (and all the GG writers) is exactly what we've been missing. C'mon! They're not that old. If they're going to keep making the same mistakes they've made since high school, they ought to be allowed to play the same pranks.
The ages-old (like, summer) video of Serena and Dan also brought the end of whatever was going on between Dan and Blair. He made a valiant effort to persuade her to like him and choose him over Chuck (Ed Westwick). But when she finally called things off for sleeping with her best friend, he didn't seem all that concerned.
Why did Blair care that much, anyway? She's supposed to be in love with Chuck. Perhaps because her on-again-off-again BFF has slept with her boyfriend once again? First Nate, now Dan(-ish).
There was a brief moment when B & S made up at the cotillion. They bonded over Serena being beautiful and Blair being conniving. But, after the video, Blair wrote her off yet again. Making Serena seemingly alone.
Enter Dan. Again.
The ex-lovers head to a diner for burgers, fries and milkshakes. The last time we see them, they're reminiscing over Humphrey's underwear. Those two are so hooking up.
Meanwhile, Blair showed up at Chuck's place.
"Thank you for never sleeping with Serena," she sulked.
"My pleasure," replied her future husband and father to her future gorgeous and spoiled brat.
Chuck told Blair she'll have to wait just a little bit longer. Just as they're about to kiss, Darota texted and told B to come home quickly. The drama? First, someone is asking for the pattern to the "Sage sex dress." Second, Miss Eleanor is on her way home. Uh-oh, B! Mama's coming to take back her fashion throne.
Basically, a whole lot of nothing happened during Monstrous Ball. On another level, things have been put into motion. Nearly everyone is back where they belong and that's a comforting feeling for Gossip Girl fans.
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