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Victoria's Secret 2012 show: Some things should stay secret

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at Okay, shes the only authoress at funny freelance. When shes not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as S...

A Jane Doe critique

When we see anything made by Victoria's Secret, all we see is our muffin top cascading over the top of a $50 slingshot (the underwear) and our legs looking like sausage casings in thigh-high stockings. Many of the fashions from the 2012 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show were gorgeous, but to make ourselves feel better, we'll focus on the ones that were... uh... a bust.

A Jane Doe critique

Gone to the dogs

Since when did dressing like a pooch become sexy? If you think this is something your guy would dig on you, we need to talk. Dressing in poodle lingerie is wrong for reasons we can't really get into in this PG-13 platform. The hoop is symbolic of the hoops you are willing to jump through to please your guy. Is he willing to do the same for you? Poodle banana-hammock anyone?

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: The weighty Angel woes >>

A Jane Doe critique

Holy cow

Again with the animal theme. I'm pretty sure I speak for all women when I say we want lingerie that doesn't make us look like a cow. This poor model looks like the star of an adult movie version of Toy Story (Sex Toy Story, maybe?). That rope will come in handy. You can lasso your guy when he runs for his life after seeing you in this getup.

Rihanna takes the catwalk at Victoria's Secret show >>

A Jane Doe critique

Luck of the draw?

Not in this case. If you think you're going to get lucky in this shamrock disaster, think again. This poor dear obviously drew the short stick when she had to strut out on the catwalk in this ridiculous costume. The Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas called — it wants its cocktail-waitress uniform back. There is no denying the model in this shamrock disaster is breathtaking, but she has a look on her face that says, "It may be time for a new career path."

Victoria's Secret hates on Kate Upton >>

A Jane Doe critique


As in "Oh-no"! The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is supposed to be all about fantasy. In comparison to these other designs, this forest nymph look isn't that bad. The bra and undies are cute, the gloves are pretty and those shoes are to die for. But does this model realize she's about to be eaten alive by alien-sized orchids? Ladies, can you imagine trying to fit this thing in the minivan on the way to the soccer field? It's fairly obvious that Victoria has never had kids, ridden in a minivan or eaten a meal with more than 500 calories. Maybe that's her secret!

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